The Bravo channel has many many many reality TV shows that fill their TV lineup. I happened to DVR a fairly new show called City Girl Diaries. (I later found out it comes on the Style channel.) I think this is going to be a short lived show for many reasons. But this post isn’t about those reasons.
The top thing that ANNOYED ME about this show, and when I say ANNOYED I mean ANNOYED ME to the point where I had to turn it off and I deleted it from my DVR….., was the “we need a bigger place conversation” between one of the married couples. I found myself screaming at the television “WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS HAVE THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED!” I know I know this couple is playing a role. Might I add a really bad role, but a role none the less. Reality TV or not if it’s not a documentary on PBS in my eyes it’s not reality.
I did gain two blog post ideas from watching this show which is the top things that should be discussed while you’re dating, and the top things to discuss while engaged. This post will include my top things to discuss when seriously dating someone. When I mention seriously dating I mean you really like this person, and you’re falling hard. BUT before you fall too hard for this person you need to be sure that you guys are on the same page!
Top things to discuss when SERIOUSLY dating:
1. Do you want children?
This question and the answer to this question is important. If a person says yes to wanting kids then that means obviously YES they want children. If a person says no to wanting to kids they may not completely mean no. Even if a person says I HATE KIDS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS, that person may not really mean it. The children discussion is a VERY IMPORTANT and VERY LENGTHY discussion that you should have with someone you are serious about.
Let’s stop for a moment and think…. how many adults in relationships have serious-mature conversations about wanting children? While we are thinking let’s not stop there…. How many adults have serious-mature conversations with themselves about wanting children?
I was one of those people who said I HATE KIDS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS, and so on and so forth. A lot of times when people say they hate kids, or they never want to have kids they say it, because they just have a difficult time expressing how they feel about children. When I had that serious-mature-adult conversation with myself about why I did not want children I realized that I don’t hate kids. I just have hard time connecting with children at specific ages.
The truth is I love BABIES, I like the tweenish, and I like the teenage years. Ages 2-11 are the hardest years for me. I have a very hard time connecting with elementary aged children. The reality of having children is if all goes as planned you will have a much longer relationship with them as adults then you will with them as children.
The conversation about children should be an ongoing conversation that is revisited throughout your relationship. Especially before getting engaged. As your relationship progresses and you progress in life, you and your partner’s feelings towards children may change. You may open your own business and may want to have something to leave to your children. Or you may change in the other direction and say “Wow I love my job and I love being able to travel I don’t think I want children anymore.”
Let’s stop for a moment and think…. how many adults in relationships have serious-mature conversations about wanting children? While we are thinking let’s not stop there…. How many adults have serious-mature conversations with themselves about wanting children?
I was one of those people who said I HATE KIDS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS, and so on and so forth. A lot of times when people say they hate kids, or they never want to have kids they say it, because they just have a difficult time expressing how they feel about children. When I had that serious-mature-adult conversation with myself about why I did not want children I realized that I don’t hate kids. I just have hard time connecting with children at specific ages.
The truth is I love BABIES, I like the tweenish, and I like the teenage years. Ages 2-11 are the hardest years for me. I have a very hard time connecting with elementary aged children. The reality of having children is if all goes as planned you will have a much longer relationship with them as adults then you will with them as children.
The conversation about children should be an ongoing conversation that is revisited throughout your relationship. Especially before getting engaged. As your relationship progresses and you progress in life, you and your partner’s feelings towards children may change. You may open your own business and may want to have something to leave to your children. Or you may change in the other direction and say “Wow I love my job and I love being able to travel I don’t think I want children anymore.”
2. Where do you see yourself living?
This one is pretty easy. If you are a city girl and love the city then you need to be with someone who feels the same. If you are a more out-doorsy type and want a lot of land and property then you need to be with someone who enjoys the outdoors. Being a New Yorker I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around the girls who move here from Iowa and Nebraska. The girls who are here to live out their dreams of living in the city during their 20’s. They meet the nice guy from Queens and fall in love. Then they think they’re going to drag him to Iowa after getting married and having some kids.
It never works out and they end up settling down in Connecticut or someplace like that. But they’re both miserable. It’s stupid just go back to Iowa and find your prince and be happy.
It never works out and they end up settling down in Connecticut or someplace like that. But they’re both miserable. It’s stupid just go back to Iowa and find your prince and be happy.
When I met The Fiancé I had the “magic hair” and it was gorgeous! But I let him know very early on that it wasn’t my hair. He was okay with me changing my look, and even now he welcomes the change. In his words “when you change you look it’s refreshing.”
For some men it can be very misleading if you are really a brunette and dying your hair blonde. Furthermore at some point your hair is going to suffer. Keeping up an unnatural look, whether it is hair or stuffing your bra, is hard and expensive. You may find yourself in the unfortunate position where you may not be able to maintain that look. At some point during the relationship you should disclose your true self to the person you are dating.
4. Do you like pets?
Pets are like an extension of your family. When you are seriously dating you need to discuss if your partner likes or is allergic to pets. Particularly if you already own a pet while you’re dating. It’s also important for your partner to spend time with your pet. Hey if you don't believe me just tune into an episode of My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet. It's like scared straight the pets additon.
5. Religion, Politics, Race/Nationalism/Ethnicity
For the life of me I will never understand why people don’t bring up religion when they are dating. I also never understand for the life of me why people who are really religious hide their religiousness when they are dating. Why people?? Why??? So when you're dating it’s not an issue, when you get married it’s not an issue, BUT when you have children you all of a sudden want your child to be baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost??
Religion, politics, and race/nationalism/ethnicity should be discussed within the first 3 dates. Call me crazy but I need to know if you worship the devil, are a member of the Green Party, and if you are 100% Antarctican within the first 3 dates. I know I know
Wars are being fought all over this world because of religion, politics, and race. When you are dating someone you may love all of God/ Allah/ Elohim/Jehovah’s people. But all of God/Allah/Elohim/Jehovah’s people do not love you. Despite what some may want to believe your religion, politics, and race often supersedes your personality and qualifications. It’s very very sad, but it’s the truth.
In some parts of the world, aww heck…. some parts of this country who you are, what you believe, and where you practice those beliefs could be very dangerous. It’s important when you are dating to have an adult conversation with yourself and find out if you can handle dating someone who is of a different cultural and political background of you. It doesn't make you racist, weak, or incensitive if you realize you cannot emotionally or physically handle being with someone from a different background than you. It makes you mature.
Religion, politics, and race/nationalism/ethnicity should be discussed within the first 3 dates. Call me crazy but I need to know if you worship the devil, are a member of the Green Party, and if you are 100% Antarctican within the first 3 dates. I know I know
Wars are being fought all over this world because of religion, politics, and race. When you are dating someone you may love all of God/ Allah/ Elohim/Jehovah’s people. But all of God/Allah/Elohim/Jehovah’s people do not love you. Despite what some may want to believe your religion, politics, and race often supersedes your personality and qualifications. It’s very very sad, but it’s the truth.
In some parts of the world, aww heck…. some parts of this country who you are, what you believe, and where you practice those beliefs could be very dangerous. It’s important when you are dating to have an adult conversation with yourself and find out if you can handle dating someone who is of a different cultural and political background of you. It doesn't make you racist, weak, or incensitive if you realize you cannot emotionally or physically handle being with someone from a different background than you. It makes you mature.
In closing, all of these conversations are difficult conversations to have with someone your dating and trying to impress. Despite the difficulty, it is important to have these difficult conversations early to guarantee you have a future with that person. The top things to discuss before getting married will be entirely different blog post. This post was long enough!
Sincerely,
The Anti-Bride 2013
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