My Role Model of a Sexy Woman

****Disclaimer this blog isn't intended to be chronological, however to understand this post fully you may need to read the previous Granny Panties post. If you choose not to read the Granny Panties post please disregard the first two full paragraphs and begin reading this post past the Dig Deeper photo.****      
   

       In my Granny Panties post I mentioned that Janet Jackson during the Velvet Rope era is THE ULTIMATE image of sexy for me. Let me catch you up to speed.

SOOOOOO

Conversations between me and my hunny regarding my bridal shower and the "Lingerie Meltdown of 2013" led to “The Fiance” making comments that I wear “Granny Panties.” The “Granny Panties” blog post was conceived and birthed. I revealed in my “Granny Panties” post that I don’t feel sexy. But once upon a time when I did feel sexy I channeled Janet Jackson during the Velvet Rope Era. Let's dig deeper into WHY JANET JACKSON and WHY THE VELVET ROPE ERA why not the NASTY GIRL ERA?

I am in my mid to late 20’s. Throughout my whole entire life I could not wait to be this age. (Disappointed much???? Yes, but we’re not going to go there. There is plenty of good to go around so let’s not dwell on the bad.) When I was young girl, maybe around 8 or 9, I already knew who I wanted to be as an adult. By the age that I am now I thought (in my 8 year old mind) that I would have accomplished everything that would make me be that person.

My mother is tall. She’s around 5 feet 10 or 5 feet 10.5, and my father is 6 feet tall. Both of my brothers are over 6 feet tall. So at 8 years old I knew I was going to be tall, and have a nice shape like my mom. I always had long legs, long arms, long fingers, and long toes. I just had my life all planned out. Not just appearance wise, career wise too. I knew I was going to be living in New York, and I was going to be some type of Executive Career Woman like Sue Ellen in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead.

At 8 years old I thought I would marry in my mid-thirties. I would marry a divorced bachelor in his forties with elementary aged children and we would live in a huge house in Westchester County, NY. We would both be top executives, and I wouldn’t have to have children because my husband and I would be raising his children because his ex-wife remarried and moved to L.A.

I swear to you that was how I envisioned my life would be when I was 8 years old. I had a VIVID and very DESCRIPTIVE imagination. You have no idea.

When I got to middle school/junior high school I was not growing. I was a little upset, because I wanted to be one of the tall girls and I was one of the really short girls. In middle school girls were maturing and developing, and I wasn’t. I felt disappointed. All of the images of successful women on t.v. were tall beautiful women. Parts of my dream died. I’ll admit I had low self-esteem. I didn’t hate the way that I looked, but I did not look how I wanted to look. I didn’t look like what I thought was pretty.

The Velvet Rope album came out in 1997, and that was right in the middle of my tough adolescent years.

I was never a huge Janet Jackson fan. Janet Jackson was just a familiar artist, and someone who had been around my entire life. But I remember seeing Janet Jackson with that fire engine red hair, the tattoos, the piercings, and BOOBIES PUSHED UP TO HER CHIN. I remember thinking OMGOSH she is beautiful! She was so different, and it made people notice her. AND Janet is SHORT. And I was short. (I still am short lol) So that made me relate to her.

I will be honest to this day I never listened to the entire album. I really have not had a desire to listen to the album outside of the radio singles. But Janet’s image during the period of that album completely changed in my mind what I thought was beautiful, and what I thought was sexy. I had always been conservative, and I am still conservative about things. Seeing those pictures of Janet, and how she carried herself during that time brewed a sauciness in me that I reserved until I got older.  

How can you not find her sexy??

Fast forward to today I am still very influenced by Janet Jackson’s Velvet Rope Era. That red hair is everything. I swear as soon as I get a job, and my third check is direct deposited I am going straight to the salon to get my hair colored that fire engine red.

I’m waiting until my third check is direct deposited because that gives me a little more security with the job. They will have more time to get to know me and my personality. I have a serious case of unemployment PTSD.

Becoming a bride it’s funny to think back to what I envisioned my life to be like as an 8 year old. It is shocking to me how much my dream has changed as my life has evolved from then until now. My image of myself has changed a lot. But my goals have not changed as much. I still want to be that executive, and I still want to have the huge house in Westchester County.

 In closing, as far as my role model for the ultimate sexy woman goes…. it has almost been 20 years since the Velvet Rope album came out and I still have yet to find a role model that represents sexy more than Janet did. I really don’t think that I will find a sexier role model.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Clean Up Day

          I blog from my heart. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me. And I just like to sit in front of my computer and type my thoughts as they come. With that being said…. My thoughts as they come aren’t always grammatically correct. Sometimes my thoughts as they come are misspelled.

          I decided at least once or twice per month I will do a blog clean up. 

Basically I will review each blog and make edits, and tighten things up. I studied mass communications and journalism so it would be an insult to my craft to keep a messy blog. At least I think.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

You Wear Granny Panties

         The ongoing topic of conversation in my home for the last few weeks has been about this upcoming bridal shower, and my lingerie anxiety. The conversation took a turn when my Fiancé blurted out, unprovoked I may add, that I wear Granny Panties. 
 

          Let me set it up so you can have a visual of how this all actually went down. So “The Fiancé” is lying on the bed watching television. I’m organizing our dresser near the t.v. I had on my usual “Saturday Morning Uniform” a t-shirt and my girl boxers. Out of nowhere “The Fiancé” blurts out “man, you wear Granny Panties.” My response, “I know.” And that was it I was back to organizing.

          I have a tendency to read into things a lot.

         When this first happened I didn’t think much of it. I felt like “The Fiance” was making a joke, because let’s face it… my undergarments are not sexy. In fact I don’t think I own a full set of underwear. I just kinda mix and match. It’s like oh this lacey black bra goes with this lacey black panty, and there you have it…. there’s a set!

          A few days have gone by, and I started to read into what “The Fiancé” may or may not have been subliminally saying.

          I’m perfectly aware that he could have been just making jokes. “The Fiance” is very outspoken and I really don’t think he would have a problem saying “babe can you please get some nicer underwear!!”  

          Today I’m in the midst of washing clothes, and I can’t help but think about how unsexy my clothes are. It’s not something that really bothers me. That alone makes me feel kind of bad for “The Fiancé,” simply because my unsexy underwear, AGAIN, is not something that really bothers me. The reality is I just don’t feel sexy right now.

There was a point in time where I felt really sexy. Let’s see from the ages of 19-23 I felt really sexy, and it showed in EVERYTHING. I mean sexy like this:

         
 Even though I felt sexy and it showed I still was a prude and a tease. Guys would always flirt with me, but it was never in a disrespectful way. I guess you can call it a manageable sexy. I never tried to be sexy for anyone else I just felt sexy for me. Clothes or hairstyles never made me feel sexy. I was in a place in my life and in my mind that made me feel sexy. At that point in my life I was young, and things were going pretty well. After graduating from college, adulthood really started to settle in, and that “sexy” stuff went out the door. It became more about survival and making moves.  

          I am a person who is very intuitive. I feel like I know my inner self very very very well. I usually do not do things unless I am 100% comfortable, and I feel that I am mature enough to handle it. For example I did not REALLY start drinking until I was about 24 years old. I didn’t feel like I was responsible enough to handle drinking, peer pressure, and whatever else. I never went away for Spring Break, or dated “the bad guy.” Coming of age phases that most people go through I chose to avoid because I knew I could not handle it.   

          After college I was in a very vulnerable place. Knowing myself SEXY+VULNERABLE= BAD NEWS!! It’s so easy to be taken advantage of when you are vulnerable. Adding sexiness to vulnerability can be dangerous. I’m going to leave it at that. Yes, I was a sexy 19-23 year old but I was in a very safe place. I had a lot of protection, and a solid support system.

          Presently there is so much transition going on in my life, and I still feel as though I am in a vulnerable place to some degree. You’re probably thinking, “Okay Anti-Bride what does this have to do with Granny Panties???”  I wrote all of that to write this….. For a long time I thought I was buying and wearing 'un-sexy' underwear for convenience and comfort. It wasn’t until my “Hubby-to-Be” mentioned granny panties that I started to analyze my underwear situation. I realized that I was wearing 'un-sexy' underwear because I felt 'un-sexy.'

          For a while I made excuses for why I bought the more “comfortable” underwear. I would say “I don’t have a boyfriend," or “the nice underwear is too expensive.” But in reality back in my early 20s when I was running all around the East Coast and Mid-West channeling Jessica Rabbit and Janet Jackson (Janet Jackson during the Velvet Rope Era.), I didn’t have any money nor did I have boyfriend. I just felt very sexy, and I purchased the sexy underwear for myself.   

          Everything leading up to this wedding and our marriage for me is a process. Finding the right job that coincides with my career aspirations is a PROCESS. Losing weight is a PROCESS. And now finding my SEXY is a PROCESS. I truly believe that it is all going to come together. I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I will mention it again, I needed to go through this. This is a humbling experience, and I needed to have this experience to make me a better person and a stronger person.

          I just am so THANKFUL for “The Fiancé” because this man has the patience of Job. But I am reassured that this is true love. Not to make myself sound terrible but I’m unemployed, a little heavy, AND I wear Granny Panties lol lol lol  

          Closing words for the record I do not wear Granny Panties. I mostly wear the cotton fitted underwear. Like boy shorts, female boxers, and bikini style underwear, but I do not I repeat I do not wear Granny Panties. I had to clear that up. I don’t want to completely ruin my street credibility!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Bridal Shower in 16 days & I'm under the weather

     My Bridal Shower is in 16 days. I have little butterflies in my belly about it. I'm nervous as EVER. The decor is going to be pink and leopard. Yes leopard!! I want all things pink and leopard. I have been informed that leopard isn't exactly a color but a pattern. But I will treat leopard as if it is a color just the same!

     Here is the official template for the invitation:

     I have no idea who Olivia McBride is. And while I live in New York, I do not live ANYWHERE NEAR BUFFALO. But I heard Buffalo is a wonderful place. 

     We sent out all 60 invitations which is CRAZY!! This weekend we will be finalizing the actual list. In true Anti-Bride fashion I'm having a bridal shower before the Save-The-Dates for the wedding even go out. I know I know backwards.

     After much thought I have lifted the ban on lingerie at the bridal shower. While I'm still very shy about it..... fighting tradition is one of the hardest things to do. I'm learning that you have to bend. It makes me uncomfortable, and I'm really shy about showing off silky sexy night gowns. But I think after a 2 glasses of wine I will be just fine!

     So I wanted to lose a few pounds for my bridal shower.  
My "weight loss goal" for my bridal shower has changed from losing a specific amount of weight to seeing a change in my appearance. I don't care if I only lose 3 pounds, but if I see a more toned, and a more fit look then I'm okay. So far I am seeing minor adjustments, and it makes me feel good. For example my arms and legs have more definition and muscle. I'm happy about that.

     Also my Fiance' and I have completely changed our eating styles. It's working really really well for us. It's weird in a way, because it has become natural. Since we cut back on doing a lot of things for financial reasons we do not have as much food temptation. Our financial cut backs are helping to make our food transition so much easier. I think we are motivating each other. It's so cheesy because you see people talk about these sort of things in infomercials for the PX90 and your like "okay... yeah... whatever." But it really is true in a way. I think when it hits you it hits you. 

     I also think for us we are simple people. We do not like to brand ourselves. Some people are more complex and complicated and like to brand themselves as vegan, vegetarian, Episcopalian... Like whatever??!!? If that's your thing, then yes I get it. But for me when it's more of a preference then a rule it's easier to process.

    We also have tried not to talk about our changes in our "diet" with people. I've learned that when you just do something and don't make a huge fuss about it people are more understanding. When you tell people "well I'm doing A. B. and C." you open yourself up to a different kind of criticism and critique that can be SCARY. All of sudden your best friend, or first cousin that you know soo well has become the all time EXPERT in this topic, and begins to tell you all kinds of reasons why you should not do A. B. and NEVER C. 

     Switching topics, I have been feeling under the weather this entire week.

     I've been googling my symptoms like a crazy person. I think it may be a slight cold, mixed with allergies, and a sinus infection. I really don't know. But it sucks.

    Being under the weather has really made me a little flaky. I feel like I have been the ultimate flake, and sort of rude to people. I'm just wondering where is this coming from. I'm not really mad or angry. I just have very little energy to deal with people.

    Physically I am fatigued. I have been trying to keep up with my work out but I have very little energy. I get dehydrated easily. It's weird because when you're unemployed people think you have ALL of the TIME in the WORLD to deal with EVERYTHING. The reality is that I am soo busy trying to schedule job interviews, and sending out hundreds of resumes weekly that I do not have the time to deal with things. I think being sick has made me less interested in others. I feel terrible about it.

     Oh well what are you going to do?

    Closing remarks I am going to rest myself and try to find some energy so that I can finalize everything with this bridal shower.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Anti-Bride Job Search Reflection.....DISCLAMIER THIS IS A LONG POST!

     So my mom thinks that I have some sort of curse when it comes to jobs. I was starting to think that she may be right in some ways. I just can't seem to get a break.

     Yesterday was a semi-tough day. Not all the way tough. There was a 3 hour period where annoying things kept happening back to back and it made me want to scream. My Fiance' stepped in and we had a heart to heart, and it really calmed my nerves. I really was feeling like I was alone in this unemployment thing, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not. The longer I stay unemployed the more signs that I see that it's tough for a lot of people for different reasons.

     So I decided to blog about it and make light of a very negative situation. Where to begin???? Let's see....

     If you have been following this blog then you know that I have had interviews pretty regularly the entire time that I have been unemployed. That makes me feel good, because I'm getting through H.R. The only problem is that I get to the 2nd or 3rd interview and then find out maybe 2 weeks later that I didn't get the job.

     It's frustrating on so many different levels. The feedback that I am getting is surprisingly the same. I'm basically being told by H.R. that the hiring manager really likes me BUT they found someone else that they felt would be a better fit. Then I'm told to apply again. Or my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE "if you see the position is available in a different department email me and I will pull your resume and set you up with an interview."

     On two separate occasions I was told by my H.R. contact person to email them directly if I see the position is listed again. Good news right!!! I basically have a "IN" with two companies!! YAY. Well that's what I thought too.

     In a surprising twist of fate. MY FATE. Within the past 3 weeks positions have become available with both companies. OH BUT IT GETS BETTER!!!

    My contacts for both companies are no longer with either company. CRAZY. So I did my due diligence and left messages with the people who are now in the positions of my former contacts. I have not heard back.

     Of course I'm feeling a lot like this.

     I had an interview on Friday, but that did not go so well. It was raining cats and dogs literally this past Friday. I wore rain boots but left my heels for the interview in the house. Then my umbrella malfunctioned, and I got drenched. When the interviewed started I really did not make a great connection with the women I was interviewing with. Pardon my French,  but it felt like they were just pulling sh*t out of their *sses to ask me. I was wondering for a minute if we were all talking about the same position.

     It's not all bad. I do have some:

     I had an interview/screening on Monday that went REALLY REALLY WELL. I made a really great connection with the woman I was interviewing with. She really got me and was impressed by me. She wants to set up a second interview. I should be hearing back from her today or tomorrow. That makes me feel good. I don't feel like a complete bag of used goods. 

    This process has been so enlightening for me. I was with my former employer for under a year before getting fired. Two days into my employment I felt that I had made a bad decision. I did not want to quit because I thought I may have been experiencing cold feet. More importantly I thought it would be too irresponsible. Things got worse and worse and worse and worse. It turned into a hostile and verbally abusive working environment.

     As terrible of a situation that was I learned so much from it. Everything Anti-Bride related from me branding myself The Anti-Bride 2013, and me wanting to share my experiences came from that job situation. I worked in a very small office with 4 overly opinionated women. We were different in every way, but their take on weddings and the obsession with the meticulous details about weddings is what made me fall on my sword and say "okay okay I am The Anti-Bride." If I never experienced the torment (yes torment you have no idea the crazyness I endured while at that company) of working for that employer, and the harsh/rude/tacky comments about my wedding choices the Anti-Bride would have never been born.

     In fact if those women did not keep pressuring me about why I'm not married my Fiance' and I would have never had that conversation about choosing a date while watching The Voice on NBC. So MANY positive things came from that terrible situation.

    When I was recently at my lowest point with this job situation I have to hold up a mirror. I had a discussion with my wedding planner. My wedding planner is one of the most amazing women that I have met in a REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY +12 more REALLY's (yes that many really's) long time. She's so positive and she gave me some encouraging words. Which reminded me that this experience isn't REALLY (heehee, I love the word really) that awful. In fact there are

First - I'm not cursed. Cursed people do not get interviews as often as I have been getting them.

Second - I'm clearly not alone, because two H.R. Coordinators are no longer working at their former places of employment. Whether it be they quit, were terminated, or found some other form of employment there was some form of moving on that took place.

Third - I have a support system. People that are thinking about me. I am sure that I will not go hungry or homeless. There are a lot of people unemployed who live with the fear of what am I going to eat today, or where am I going to live?

Fourth - It was due time that I feel what it feels like to be "unlucky." 

     Luck is something that I was taught not believe in as a child, but I think we all secretly believed in it. I am a faith based person. But I do believe in luck. I know I basically said I am a Democrat but I vote Republican.... like huh?? It's weird and makes no sense I know. But believing in luck is the only positive way that I can explain the unexplainable in my mind. So I just go with it. 

     There are people who are just dealt a bad hand. I don't want to call them unlucky, because in some ways that would be saying they are cursed. But for lack of a better word that's the best way to describe their situation. It's an unlucky situation. 

     For me faith can meet luck half way. I believe that most people have faith in what they know or experience. I believe if you have been lucky or have seen people in lucky situations you have more faith that the same can and will happen to you. I also believe that people who haven't been lucky in life, may have faith that good things do happen. But the extent of those things happening may not be as high as it would be for someone who has been lucky.  

     I can go on and on about my beliefs forever. But the point that I am trying to make is that I have been lucky for a good stretch of my life. I come from a good family, and I have been exposed to a lot of things. I am aware that my achievements have 98% to do with the fact that I have been lucky. I say that it's luck because I don't have a third arm, or a larger brain, or anything special like that. I'm just like everyone else. At a young age really great things happened for me that didn't happen for other kids. I knew then that I needed to always be thankful, and help others.  

    

      There was a point in my life and my career where I was the "it" girl. I remember one of my friends called me while I was at work and they left a message. I was super busy and did not respond back to their call until 3 days later. This person wanted me to assist them with writing a grant to help start up their non-profit. I told this person to email me what they had, and I would look over it and get back to them. I remember hearing the disappointment in their voice.

     Being a busy executive especially in my industry it was common practice for people to respond like that. But that wasn't me. I know that it took a lot for this person to ask me for help. And I really did not consider their feelings.

     At that point in my life I was like this

    That happened over 3 years ago, but it still haunts me. I have been lucky enough to be able to have things work out so perfectly for me. Looking back things fell into place for me in ways mainly due to being at the right place at the right time. I charged it to hard work, or to me being the "ISH" but I was just really lucky.

     Being in this rut I'm getting to see what it's like to not be so lucky. To have really crazy and crappy disappointing things happen. I'm seeing what it feels like to go on an interview and do well, but still not get the job. Before falling into this rut there wasn't an interview were I didn't land the job. Now I'm starting to see what it feels like to not be unlucky.

     I'm feeling the disappointment. I feeling what it feels like to have all of the credentials, do well on the interview, and still not be who they want. This was a lesson that I needed to learn. The lesson of humility. I'm learning yes you are pretty, but there is someone who may be prettier. Yes you are talented, but there is someone else who may be more talented. Yes you are young, but there is someone else who is younger.

     Closing words, reflecting on my third month of being unemployed I believe I have reached a place of understanding. I am understanding that I have to be more humble, and be thankful for the luck that I have had and continued to have.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013