Inspired By City Girl Diaries: Anti-Bride's Top Things To Discuss While Dating

            The Bravo channel has many many many reality TV shows that fill their TV lineup. I happened to DVR a fairly new show called City Girl Diaries. (I later found out it comes on the Style channel.) I think this is going to be a short lived show for many reasons. But this post isn’t about those reasons.

The top thing that ANNOYED ME about this show, and when I say ANNOYED I mean ANNOYED ME to the point where I had to turn it off and I deleted it from my DVR….., was the “we need a bigger place conversation” between one of the married couples. I found myself screaming at the television “WHY DIDN’T YOU GUYS HAVE THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED!” I know I know this couple is playing a role. Might I add a really bad role, but a role none the less. Reality TV or not if it’s not a documentary on PBS in my eyes it’s not reality.

      I did gain two blog post ideas from watching this show which is the top things that should be discussed while you’re dating, and the top things to discuss while engaged. This post will include my top things to discuss when seriously dating someone. When I mention seriously dating I mean you really like this person, and you’re falling hard. BUT before you fall too hard for this person you need to be sure that you guys are on the same page!

Top things to discuss when SERIOUSLY dating:

1.    Do you want children?

This question and the answer to this question is important. If a person says yes to wanting kids then that means obviously YES they want children. If a person says no to wanting to kids they may not completely mean no. Even if a person says I HATE KIDS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS, that person may not really mean it. The children discussion is a VERY IMPORTANT and VERY LENGTHY discussion that you should have with someone you are serious about.

Let’s stop for a moment and think…. how many adults in relationships have serious-mature conversations about wanting children? While we are thinking let’s not stop there…. How many adults have serious-mature conversations with themselves about wanting children?

I was one of those people who said I HATE KIDS, I NEVER WANT TO HAVE KIDS, and so on and so forth. A lot of times when people say they hate kids, or they never want to have kids they say it, because they just have a difficult time expressing how they feel about children. When I had that serious-mature-adult conversation with myself about why I did not want children I realized that I don’t hate kids. I just have hard time connecting with children at specific ages.

The truth is I love BABIES, I like the tweenish, and I like the teenage years. Ages 2-11 are the hardest years for me. I have a very hard time connecting with elementary aged children. The reality of having children is if all goes as planned you will have a much longer relationship with them as adults then you will with them as children.

The conversation about children should be an ongoing conversation that is revisited throughout your relationship. Especially before getting engaged. As your relationship progresses and you progress in life, you and your partner’s feelings towards children may change. You may open your own business and may want to have something to leave to your children. Or you may change in the other direction and say “Wow I love my job and I love being able to travel I don’t think I want children anymore.”

2.    Where do you see yourself living?

This one is pretty easy. If you are a city girl and love the city then you need to be with someone who feels the same. If you are a more out-doorsy type and want a lot of land and property then you need to be with someone who enjoys the outdoors. Being a New Yorker I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around the girls who move here from Iowa and Nebraska. The girls who are here to live out their dreams of living in the city during their 20’s. They meet the nice guy from Queens and fall in love. Then they think they’re going to drag him to Iowa after getting married and having some kids.

It never works out and they end up settling down in Connecticut or someplace like that. But they’re both miserable. It’s stupid just go back to Iowa and find your prince and be happy. 

3.    Do you like red heads?

When I met The Fiancé I had the “magic hair” and it was gorgeous! But I let him know very early on that it wasn’t my hair. He was okay with me changing my look, and even now he welcomes the change. In his words “when you change you look it’s refreshing.”

For some men it can be very misleading if you are really a brunette and dying your hair blonde. Furthermore at some point your hair is going to suffer. Keeping up an unnatural look, whether it is hair or stuffing your bra, is hard and expensive. You may find yourself in the unfortunate position where you may not be able to maintain that look. At some point during the relationship you should disclose your true self to the person you are dating. 

4.    Do you like pets?

Pets are like an extension of your family. When you are seriously dating you need to discuss if your partner likes or is allergic to pets. Particularly if you already own a pet while you’re dating. It’s also important for your partner to spend time with your pet. Hey if you don't believe me just tune into an episode of My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet. It's like scared straight the pets additon.

 

5.    Religion, Politics, Race/Nationalism/Ethnicity 

For the life of me I will never understand why people don’t bring up religion when they are dating. I also never understand for the life of me why people who are really religious hide their religiousness when they are dating. Why people?? Why??? So when you're dating it’s not an issue, when you get married it’s not an issue, BUT when you have children you all of a sudden want your child to be baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost??

Religion, politics, and race/nationalism/ethnicity should be discussed within the first 3 dates. Call me crazy but I need to know if you worship the devil, are a member of the Green Party, and if you are 100% Antarctican within the first 3 dates. I know I know

Wars are being fought all over this world because of religion, politics, and race. When you are dating someone you may love all of God/ Allah/ Elohim/Jehovah’s people. But all of God/Allah/Elohim/Jehovah’s people do not love you. Despite what some may want to believe your religion, politics, and race often supersedes your personality and qualifications. It’s very very sad, but it’s the truth.

In some parts of the world, aww heck…. some parts of this country who you are, what you believe, and where you practice those beliefs could be very dangerous. It’s important when you are dating to have an adult conversation with yourself and find out if you can handle dating someone who is of a different cultural and political background of you. It doesn't make you racist, weak, or incensitive if you realize you cannot emotionally or physically handle being with someone from a different background than you. It makes you mature.

      In closing, all of these conversations are difficult conversations to have with someone your dating and trying to impress. Despite the difficulty, it is important to have these difficult conversations early to guarantee you have a future with that person. The top things to discuss before getting married will be entirely different blog post. This post was long enough!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Should I Change The Last Name??

     No one has asked me about changing my last name because I think people assume that it is sort of a given. You get married you change your last name. I mean really “what’s in a name” anyways??

     The last name thing is something that I have gone back and forth with throughout my young adult life.

(Warning flash back to Janet Jackson Definition of Sexy Woman Post)

     Back when I was 8 years old and I was dreaming of getting married in my thirties to that divorced top executive. You remember how the story went. We would reside in that huge house in Westchester County, NY…. Well in that dream I naturally took to his last name. DUH??!!!

     Well, something happened in my late teens early twenties. I started to come into myself, and my career was forming. That’s when I started to think hmmm maybe I want to keep my last name. 

     I think the nail in the coffin for me NOT wanting to change my last name was when I did play by play commentary for a minor league football game. I was all of 19 years old. I barely had my pinky toe wet in the sports entertainment business.  Regardless, you couldn’t tell me ANYTHING. In my mind I was headed to commentate for the Rose Bowl, and after that the Super Bowl.

     In my clouded 19 year old mind I was thinking O.M.G. changing my last name is SOOOO going to ruin my career. Never mind that my speaking voice at that time was, and at times still is, WAY too high to ever be taken seriously in any form of live broadcasting. Nor the financial and job crisis that soon surfaced. NOPE forget all of that because changing my last name would ruin my career.

     Now that I am a touch older and wiser I have made my decision on changing my name. I decided that I am going to gradually change my name to a hyphenated version. I’m going to hyphenate my name on all official JOINT documents like our marriage certificate, joint bank account, and things like that. All of my personal identification things that have expiration on them I will wait until they expire and then change the last name to my hyphenated last name. My social security and personal banking information I will change over when my driver’s license expires. Yep, that about covers it! 

            Here are the reasons why I’m not in a rush to change my last name:

1.    I love my last name!!

 

It really is that simple I love my last name. I was always  taught to be proud of my name, and I’m really proud of my name. I have no desire to drop my last name. I love my entire name so I won’t be dropping any of my names ESPECIALLY not my middle name!

2.    I’ve signed too much stuff to be changing the flow now!

I hate to keep throwing my age out there because I’m really not that old. BUT I am almost thirty. When you’re in your late twenties you have signed your fair share of documents, contracts, W-2’s, W-4’s, I-9’s, and more of the like. You have learned the difference between claiming 0 dependents, and claiming yourself as 1 dependent when you add lines A-G.

When you get married straight out of college you haven’t really gotten any real mileage on your name. You aren’t really signing anything legal or legit other than your FAFSA. Maybe you cosigned for an apartment or something but that's about it. It’s easy to drop your last name and take on another last name in your early twenties, because there really isn’t a paper trail behind your last name.

When you’re a little older and you have done things, dropping your last name completely may cause some issue when you have to prove that you are who you are. What about that E-Trade account that has doubled or even tripled?? Yeah, you forgot about that.

Another reality that no one likes to think about is becoming the care taker or beneficiary to your parents. Right now my parents are young and are in pretty good shape health wise. But I’ve seen family members struggle over the legalities of things when it comes to taking care of business for their elderly parents. OR you may even find yourself in an unfortunate circumstance where your parents or siblings may need to assist you. Having that last name ties everyone together, and makes people feel more comfortable disclosing confidential information.

3.    I’m too lazy!

It is a lot of work to do all of this at once. With identity theft, homeland security, and whatever else the process and paperwork to change your name on official documents is slow and tedious. I understand why it is that way, but I don’t have the energy to deal with it. It usually takes 10-15 days for you to receive your new documents in the mail. I remember the anxiety that I felt when I had to change my license over last year. Oh the horror. Just kidding, it wasn’t that bad, but it can be a little inconveniencing.

     In closing I think it is really important to discuss with your future spouse which route fits best. It is important to hear what your spouse has to say. Some spouses may feel hurt or slighted if you decide not to take on their last name. Explaining why you want to keep or hyphenate your last name is important. This isn’t a last minute conversation; this is a conversation that you should have with your spouse early on in the wedding process. This is a conversation that may have to be researched and revisited until you both come up with something that you feel comfortable with.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

 

 

I Had A Break-thru & I Was Inspired By David Tutera

          Today is a rather “quaint” day for me. It is one of those days you pray for. I woke up today really at peace. The only way to describe my inner feelings is

            If you have been following my blog for a while then you know “finding peace” is a HUGE BREAKTHRU for me. For those who haven’t been following my blog I will give you a QUICK recap. SOOOO……

            I got fired from my job in February of this year. The firing was something that was long overdue and I actually saw it coming. I had been interviewing for new positions with other companies since November 2012. I thought the transition would be easy. In fact one month after losing my job I was offered a great position with a small business. The pay was a little less than what I had been making before, but 50% of the time I would be working from home. I was delighted. Unfortunately, it turned out that the business over projected and really wasn’t in the position to expand at that moment. Needless to say I was out of a job before it even started.

            That was a really low point for me. Prior to losing my job within a span of 6 weeks I had 3 job offers on the table and they ALL went away. The job offer with the small business was my 3^rd job offer that was gone with the wind.

           NO, more like gone with the wind like this:

 

            I had been looking for jobs and still trying to keep up with wedding planning. I tried to keep my joblessness a secret from most, but it was really difficult. I hit the pavement hard looking for work. I started networking like crazy. Each week I was sending hundreds of emails. I landed weekly job interviews with staffing firms, recruiters, and I ended up just lucking up and getting interviews the old fashion way. At the rate that I was going I had hope that by the 1^st of June I would have a job. Still nothing!

            When you go on 1 to 2 interviews per week, or in my case during the month of May I had 3 interviews with one company, and you still don’t land a job you start to feel awful about yourself. The worst part is when other people start to question you and judge you for not getting a job. So when you add the weekly rejection to the headache of my bridal shower, and wedding planning I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Recently, I decided to get off that emotional roller coaster, and make

            You guessed it! Make lemonade out of lemons. I honestly feel like things are getting better. I still don’t have a job. But I did make use of all that “constructive criticism” that I was getting from my job search. I also did some soul searching. I’m in the waiting process to see what my next move is going to be career wise, but hopefully in the next month or so I will be able to share some good news with you guys.

            Earlier this week I caught an episode of My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. I have not tuned into a lot of wedding and bridal type shows. My nerves just can’t handle it! But for some reason I was under some sort of David Tutera spell and was drawn into this show. It was an old show with a couple who was “Lucky in Love” and wanted to have a Poker/Vegas theme for their wedding. They were a lovely couple. The theme was out there but I kind of got it. The issue was the bride didn’t have the best taste. Her ideas weren’t awful, but I think what we envision in our mind is hard to bring it to life.  

            I’m happy that I watched that episode because I’m struggling with certain aspects of my wedding and a lot of what I wanted for my wedding was in that episode. For example the centerpieces were these beautiful crystals and red roses.

My first name is Crystal, and as narcissistic as you can get the unofficial theme of my wedding is “A Crystal Wedding.” I mean a “CRYSTAL” wedding in every way possible. My middle name is Grace, and I really want to play off of my name as much as I can. Meaning as Crystallyyy and Gracefully as possible.

I am having an evening wedding at a Mexican/Spanish influenced Manor/Mansion in Queens, NY. (Loves the slashes!) I’m not into the whole “walking down the aisle” thing. I want to be what I call 'non-traditionally conservative.'  I define 'non-traditionally conservative' as something that isn’t completely traditional but it’s not so far out there. I want to do something that is different, but still elegant, tasteful, and CLASSY!

I also think since we are basically living together and we are with each other non-stop, for me, it would be a little corny to do the whole Daddy-Daughter walking down the aisle thing. If my relationship with The Fiancé was more of the traditional courtship, or if I was 23 I think it would be more special. I just don’t think that is us. I want to stay true to ourselves. Plus the idea of “Daddy giving daughter away” is kind of lost on me. I’m a rebel so Dad didn’t give me away I just left.

I said this before, I really don’t like wedding ceremonies. Personally, I prefer just attending the reception! While I don’t like ceremonies I do think the ceremony is important, so if we did a ceremony it would have to be short, simple, and to the point. If we want to say our own vows we can. But I really want to go straight from ceremony to reception. I want to get married at my reception.

In The My Fair Wedding episode that’s what they did. They had a 5 second ceremony, they kissed, and then the music came on.

In closing time will tell what I do as far as my wedding is concerned. I have an upcoming post on what’s next in the planning process. But it was so refreshing to see my vision come alive. I don’t feel crazy anymore!!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Crystal Grace

P.S.

            I will be doing a post either late August early September on my hair, make-up, nails, jewelry, and other accessory ideas for my wedding. As a teaser I fell in absolute love with this hair piece that the bride wore in the My Fair Wedding Episode

            The day before watching the show I had a conversation with my sister about how I finalized 2 looks in my head for how I would be wearing my hair. When I saw the hair piece I thought to myself OMGosh I LOVES THIS! So I think I kind of narrowed down my hair style!!

I Am An Alfred Angelo Bride

              Last Sunday I trekked down to Cherry Hill, NJ to visit the Alfred Angelo store. I tried on and ordered the Alfred Angelo dress that I saw online 6 months ago.

 

            Seriously that is just how it happened.

Initially when visiting the store I felt like DANG-IT “if only  I knew EVERYTHING then that I know now……." If I knew then what I know now, I would have purchased the dress back in January. Back in January I had a job. Back in January I was 15 pounds lighter (meaning I would have had more incentive to lose more weight). Back in January the dress would have been less expensive (because I had to pay for a rush delivery). And back in January I wouldn’t have to contemplate possibly pushing my wedding date back. But what is the saying “you live and you learn.” So I’m living and learning.

Plus if I knew all of those things I wouldn’t be the Anti-Bride that I am today! J J J J J JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ JJ J

If you recap to one of my earlier posts, I was considering having 3 dresses for this occasion. I wanted a dress to take pictures in, a dress for the ceremony, and the final Alfred Angelo dress for the reception.

Yeah…. that lasted for about 3 weeks and I changed my mind quick. Three weeks after writing that post I did my research and I found out it takes 6-8 months for a brand new dress to be “ready to wear.” I about died twice. The safe thing to do at that time would have been to drop everything I was doing, race down the NJ Turnpike to Cherry Hill, and order my dress at that very moment. But I did not want to make an irrational decision. Despite having to pay more money, and cross my fingers in hopes that my dress arrives on time I’m pretty confident about everything. I’m in a good place about it all.

I did choose a black and white Alfred Angelo dress. Rumor has it Alfred Angelo will be discontinuing my dress soon. My “lovely” Alfred Angelo Consultant (I mean lovely in the truest form not in a condescending way at all J) told me if I fit the sample it would be good idea to purchase the sample because it was marked down. NATURALLY I did not fit the sample. Which didn’t matter much even if I could fit the sample dress I wouldn't have purchased it. While the sample was BEAUTIFUL it wasn’t the black and white color that I wanted, so I of course I would've passed on it if it was an option.

My Grandma and 7 year old nephew accompanied me. (Talk about Odd Couple) My mom could not make it back up to NYC/NJ for this. But it was exactly the experience that I wanted when ordering a dress. I literally was in the store for 15 minutes. I tried on the dress, stood in the mirror for 3 minutes, took the dress off, and was at the register ready to pay. EVERYONE thought this was the most astonishing thing, even my Grandma.

My mind was completely made up, and had always been made up. I just wasn’t ready to really purchase the dress before. This time I was REALLY ready to purchase the dress. I didn’t really need the OOOOOOHHHH’s and AWWWWW’s to validate how I felt. I also didn’t want to take any pictures of myself in the dress.

Heck if I could have gone by myself I would have. But I know going by alone would have been blasphemous.

There is a possibility the dress will not be ready in time for the wedding. The Fiancé’ and I are exploring “privately” what are options are going to be. Within the next 3 to 4 weeks we will make a decision whether or not it would make sense to push the date back. It’s not just because of the dress. The dress is more of the icing on the cake.

Relax there isn’t trouble in paradise. WE ARE FINE!! Lol lol it’s more or less life changing things. I think I spoke about this in length and detail in many of my blog posts. Where you are in your life in January may not be where you are in your life in June or July. When you’re planning a wedding over the course of 9 months or longer there are things that come up unexpectedly that can and will have an effect on that day.

Being the ANTI-BRIDE that I am I just feel like okay…. easy we’ll just push the date back or move some things around no biggy! Unfortunately the rest of the Wedding and Bridal Community doesn’t always feel the same way. So The Fiance’ and I are going to really examine what are options are. Right now it looks like things are going to move forward with the date that we contracted to. But in the event in the next few weeks things go in a different direction we will re-examine what we need to do next.

In closing I have so much confidence in everything working out it's CRAZY. I feel so much more at peace after getting past the Bridal Shower, ordering the dress, and seeing the mayhem and how people react and respond first hand. I feel so much more ready for the next few months to come.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

Bridal Shower Recap

          My Bridal Shower was on Saturday, June 29^th.  I LEARNED so much from my bridal shower experiences. The bridal shower and all of the emotions surrounding the bridal shower really solidified several things to me. Right now I am so happy that I made the decision to NOT have a bridal party. I am at a place in my life where I don’t think I could physically handle the stress of dealing with other's emotions.

           

Let me dive in and give you a recap of the bridal shower.

My mother, sister, and two nieces came up from South Carolina to New York to throw my bridal shower. I had a lot of input in things regarding the bridal shower. But things did spiral out of control a bit.

My family was staying in Edgewater, NJ which is not particular far from where I live, but it’s not particularly close or convenient. My family was only going to be staying in the NYC area for 2 nights, but they wanted to make the most out of their trip. It has been quite some time since my mom, sister, nieces, and I were all together in New York. I always visit my family in South Carolina, and individually one or two members of my family have visited me in New York. But it was a pretty big deal for the ANTI-BRIDE to be together with her MOM and all of the GIRLS! It was special for me, and for them.

The Friday before the Bridal Shower we went shopping. The shopping trip was okay, but the planning could have been a little better. Everyone had a decent time, but it was cut a little short because the bridal shower was the next day.

I had been searching for the PERFECT outfit to wear to my Bridal Shower for weeks.

I came up with something that was cute. But I didn’t feel confident in it. This was particularly important for me because I was going to be meeting some of “The Fiance’s” extended family for the first time. To add fuel to the fire…. My sister isn’t just my sister well she’s my IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER.

I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to figure out my own identity. That’s another entire post in itself, and I won’t go deep into the whole twin thing during this post. What I will say is the most important thing for me during my bridal shower was to not be overshadowed by the fact that I am a twin. I love my sister with every being of my existence.  One of the hardest things about being an identical twin is you ALWAYS feel that people are comparing the two of you. It creates a little bit of competition that you really don’t want to be there but it is forced. People are always judging the two of you, and that could be very hard.

My sister is in the fashion and beauty industry. She is always on 10 when it comes to clothes, makeup, hair, and accessories. We have completely different styles. I HATE asking her advice on anything fashion and beauty related because I instantly feel warped into “what not to wear.”

Then it becomes well you like to wear more “comfortable clothes,” and you sister likes to be more “glamorous.” When it’s not even that! I chose a lifestyle that doesn’t afford me to spend as much money on being “glamorous.” I live in NYC and life is 50 times more expensive. I don’t have the money, time, or energy to be glamorous every day. Plus it’s hard to be glamorous when you’re walking 30 blocks every day and taking mass transit in 98 degree weather might I add.

  

The day of my bridal shower I decided I needed to change my outfit. At 5 am I was online searching for the "perfect skirt” on the websites of clothing stores in my neighborhood.  I found my “perfect skirt” I just had to wait until 9:30 am for the store to open, and pray to the “MOST HIGH” that the store had the skirt or something comparable. I also had to pick up my cake, and get my eyebrows waxed. So I headed to my God-Aunt’s so we could pick up the cake that she ordered from the bakery. We went to the bakery, and the cake wasn’t done. She ordered the cake 2 weeks ago, but it wasn’t ready yet.

I brushed off the minor anxiety attack because I still needed to get my eyebrows waxed and purchase my skirt. I dropped my God-Aunt off at her house, and rushed to the store. My prayers were answered and they had my skirt in my size!!! So I purchased the skirt, and rushed to my next destination. After circling the block to find a parking space I settled on a space that was about 3 blocks away and walked. I was in and out pretty quick and making good timing. It was around 11am and I needed to leave my house at noon to make it to the restaurant in Manhattan by 1:30pm.

The next order of business was to take a quick shower, get dressed, pick up my cake, and head to Manhattan. Pretty easy. Well I started to get text, after text, and phone call after phone call of cancellations, and sorry I’m going to be late from guests. The anxiety started to settle in. I called my mother and she didn’t answer. I was starting to panic a little. I spoke with my mother around 11:30am briefly, but I still had a very uneasy feeling.

I left my house at 12:10pm, but I still had enough time to pick up the cake and make it to Manhattan. I hit some traffic on my way to the bakery, but managed to pick up the cake around 12:30pm. There was some confusion on the decorations, and the cake looked VERY COLORFUL, but it wasn’t a huge deal. I put the cake in my car and start to head to Manhattan when I realize I did not have either of my cell phones. I really started to panic. I NEVER LEAVE home without my cell phones. So I drive back to the apartment and grab my cell phones. It’s exactly 1:00 pm when I get back to my house because of traffic. I am supposed to be at the venue at 1:30pm. With no traffic it takes at least 35 minutes to drive from my house to Midtown Manhattan.

I say a quick prayer and get on the highway to tailgate my way into the city. I’m still getting texts about cancellations and people running late. At this point I’m down to 6 guests who cancelled at the last minute. I call my mother…no answer, I call my sister… no answer. I’m really panicking at this point. It’s now 1:45pm and I’m just passing LaGuardia Airport in Queens, NY. I see the sign for the Tri-Boro Bridge, but I know with traffic I wasn’t going to arrive by 2pm.

I’m so upset at this point. Why?? Why?? Why did they have to stay in New Jersey? Why couldn’t they just stayed out on Long Island or Queens or something? That’s what I kept asking myself. In my panic state I tried to calm myself down, but I really just suppressed it. I kept calling but still no answer. I pulled into the parking garage across the street from the restaurant at 2:45pm. My phone had not rang once. I had no idea if anyone was even there or if at this point everyone had cancelled. I called my sister one last time right before getting out of my car with the cake. She answered.

I asked her was anybody there and she said “yes, everyone is here we are just waiting for you.” I asked her why didn’t anyone pick up their phones or call me she said “well nobody had their phones out, and we were really busy. When we got to the restaurant they weren’t set up, and we had to bring in all of the decorations and EVERYTHING.” I sympathized with her…. Okay not really…..I was HEATED!!!! I asked her could she or someone else come out to the parking lot to carry my cake. My sister came out. I went into the restroom of the restaurant and had a complete meltdown. My mom came in side and I was so ANGRY with her. I was crying and acting like a 4 year old.

After being consoled I went upstairs and everyone started clapping. I put on the worst fake smile of the century and sat at a table by myself and began eating my food. I was so upset. My sister and mother were busy attending to the guests, and after about 15 minutes or so my nieces came to my table and ate with me. I knew that I was acting like a brat but I really was on some, “it’s my party and I can cry if I want to” type stuff.

After about 30 minutes, and a full stomach I got over my feelings. (TEMPORARILY) I started to mingle with the guests. But we didn’t have much time so I began opening up gifts taking pictures, and then it was all over. I was probably there for about 90 minutes. The guests really enjoyed themselves. The Fiancé and I got great gifts, and I was really appreciative.

           

            I’m not embarrassed by the way I behaved at the Bridal Shower. I think if anything I am still VERY VERY VERY VERY hurt that my mother and sister have yet to fully grasp why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. My family are extremely hospitable people. My parents love putting on a dinner party, BBQ, or any other gathering. I felt like my Bridal Shower was just that “another family gathering,” or “another occasion where the family can put on a show.”  

Growing up I lived for the times when everyone would come over to our house. But I didn’t want that for this. I really wanted my mother and sister to support me. As selfish as it sounded I needed my family to do this WITH me rather than doing this FOR me.

I have had such a difficult year with all of the changes and transitions going on in my life. I’m such an independent person, and I have been that way most of my adult life. It’s so hard for me to ask for help. I feel like when I do ask for help, or I ask for support it falls on deaf ears because my inner circle isn’t used to me requesting anything. I begged my mother and sister to stay closer to me, because I wanted us to be together and spend time with each other. But they chose to stay in New Jersey because it was cheaper, and they were able to get a hotel that met their accommodations. I understood their reasoning for wanting to stay in New Jersey, but it still had a HUGE effect on EVERYTHING for me.

I needed my mother and sister to be with me while I was picking up my cake. I needed my teenaged nieces to go to the clothing store with me to get my new skirt, and go with me to the salon to get eyebrows waxed. I needed my mom and sister to be with me when those texts and phone calls were coming in regarding cancellations. I needed us to show up at the venue together ON TIME. Most importantly, I NEEDED my new extended family to meet me for the first time rather than my TWIN SISTER.

Everyone who attended the Bridal Shower keeps telling me “it turned out so nice.” “It was so lovely.” They thought my late arrival was planned. They thought everything was perfect. Even my mother and sister felt as though everything turned out just right. I agree that things did turn out just right. But I don’t agree with the mindset of “everything turned out right so that’s all that matters.” I’m sorry but I can’t!! The 12 hours of straight anxiety, and panic doesn’t make up for the 90 minutes of “just right.” Those feelings and anxieties that led to me melting down and feeling a lack of support were VERY REAL. I need to pay attention to that to guarantee that it does not happen again.

Moving forward with my wedding, I’m happy that I am not having a bridal party. It’s clear to me that everyone isn’t always going to be on the same page. I learned that even though something is happening to you it has a different effect on others. A group of my girlfriends, Who Are LOCAL, have enlisted themselves to be my support system during my last hours of being single. We are talking about being sure that our hotel rooms are door to door so we can make sure that I have the support that I need!! That’s important to me!

  

            In closing I love my family, and I am grateful for all of the things that they have done. But I also have to be mindful of the experience that I want to have, and to be sure that I make sure it happens.

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride 2013

P.S.
This blog is mainly anonymous. But after some requests and careful thought I will be coming out of hiding soon. I will start showing some personal pictures. BUT we will take things a little slow.

Here is a shot of the poor cake that had a rough time getting to the bridal shower as well.

Also there are a few shots of the party favors which were Victoria's Secret Body Butter.

If you remember I said the colors for the bridal shower was leopard/animal print, and pink.

My mom got us all these shirts. They kinda of remind me of the Hello My Name is Concept.

Here are some of our gifts!