14 Day Countdown & I'm SUPER STRESSED

     OH MY GOSH.... Where to begin, where to begin...

     How about I begin where I left off. I will give quick updates since I haven't posted in A WHILE! So here goes:

My Sickness

     Obviously I didn't die. I'm still alive and here with us. To some everything up I had a kidney issue which was most likely due to dehydration. I saw several specialists, and I did a few follow up appointments. And the synopsis was drink PLENTY of WATER, like 4 Liters or a gallon of water per day, take my vitamins, eat healthy, and get plenty of rest. 

     I took antibiotics, pain medication, drank water, and attempted to get more rest than normal. I'm much better now, but it took a really long time before I started feeling like myself again. Not to mention the financial strain not working at THAT critical "order the invitations" time in wedding planning.... I was out of work for 7 days, and it really had an effect on the wallet. At least I have my health!

Work

     Right now as we speak work is kicking my @ss in the worst way. It's crazy how life comes full circle. I wanted a job soooo badly, I prayed for one, cried about not having one, and now that I have one I long for the days where I can just stay home in bed. It's a trade off for certain. 

     I do not regret working at ALL. I'm actually very proud of myself for taking on a role doing something that is not only out of my comfort zone, but something that is a challenge everyday. 

    My job is tough, and I thought by now I would be more adjusted to it. I have really great-smooth-easy-breezy days, but I also have days that are really really really draining and tough. I work in an environment that is literally Life and Death. Despite what everyone tells me at work... it's just not normal to go to work and you're talking to a person at one hour and then a few hours later they've died. THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!

     Any job that you have, you have to learn how to balance out every aspect of your life. Keep work at work, leave home at home, and everything is fine! That's how you protect yourself. But the rules change a bit when you work in a critical care environment in a hospital. And I'm finding that the way that people guard themselves, and protect themselves aren't always nice, or pleasant, or warm, or welcoming. I'm finding that if you're a person in a position and you deal with the EVILS of Cancer, Unexpected Car Accidents, Violence, Strokes, etc... when it's your job to try and fix it.... you have to find a way to guard yourself and your feelings to get the job done. 

     I said all that to say this... It's difficult dealing with people who have to deal with difficult things daily. Those people aren't always nice. They aren't always happy. They don't always wish the best for you. With me being in a position of transitioning in my career, getting married, and wanting babies.... The place where I am I'm in my life doesn't always mesh with where everyone else is at times. That's hard and it sucks!

     So work is kicking my @ss in the subliminal mental kind of way. It's draining, it's not always a pleasant place to be, but its a job, it's an experience, and I'm grateful nonetheless.

School

     School is kicking my @ss in the worst way as well!! I'm taking 9 credits which are 3 classes. With everything that's going on in my life it's difficult to concentrate. I can say wholeheartedly that I'm doing the absolute best that I can. I'm making decent grades, but in order to get into a speech language pathology graduate program I need to push myself, and make better grades in all of my classes. 

     I thought strongly about sitting out this semester, but I had to realize that life stops for no one. I'm not failing any of my classes, and I do have opportunities to make better grades. It's just a matter of being honest with myself, and doing what I can to the best of my ability. I'm certain that things will fall in place with school, but it is an added stress.

Final Moments and Not Caring Anymore

The following things have made the "yeah that's not happening anymore list."

Yeah... that's not happening anymore:

1. Brooch Bouquet
2. Honeymoon
3. 2nd dress (Possibly)
4. Weekend Getaway (Possibly)
5. Pretty Pretty Shoes

     I'm kind of at a place where if it hasn't gotten done by now then 'eff it' because it 'aint gettin done!' These were the things that I thought for certain we would do, but quickly got pushed on the back burner than completely off the stove. Surprisingly I'm not too upset about not having these things. I think my priorities have changed. I'm more focused on getting the day over with, and getting back to normal life. 

     I'm really at a place where I don't want to say that I don't care anymore, but I wish I had a Fairy Godmother that could just swoop in and take over and I just show up on November 8th with everything done and taken care of. That's what I want more than anything. I just want to focus on going to work, going to school, having my wedding day, going home, and continuing with my life. 

     It sounds easy enough.

     What makes it so difficult, and what makes it so stressful is how much is invested in this one event. Suddenly it became bigger than The Fiance' and me. Suddenly it's business. Suddenly it's playing family and friendship politics. Suddenly it gets personal. There are so many feelings involved that it's hard not to upset others. And when you try really hard not to upset others you only upset yourself. SO NOBODY WINS!

     Weddings and the pomp and circumstance of them are valued very differently to different people. It's so easy to get insulted, or insult someone. This experience is something that I'm grateful to have experienced but I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN!

     I have had my moments where I was dangerously close to getting in my car, and driving to Delaware to start a new life. Why Delaware?? I dunno I always had a fascination with the first colonies and states.... I guess the no tax thing really speaks to me. But yes, I have literally contemplated running away and starting over. I guess that's what people call cold feet. I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to get married, nor did I not love my Fiance' or the life we were planning. I just wanted this to be over. 

     It was at that point when I made the split decision to go to the 24hour CVS at 3am rather than get on the Belt Parkway towards the Verrazano Bridge to begin my new life in Delaware, yes at that moment I realized that I was truly The Anti-Bride. And that's okay!!! It's okay to say yes I want this for myself, but I don't like the process.

     In closing, not sure if I will find the time to post anything new before the wedding. I will try my hardest! But even after I become a Mrs. I will continue to keep the blog going, because I'm sure there will be a lot of post bridal action to report for the first few months. 

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride

Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twitter: @theantibride2013

Home Sick = Guest List

     Where to begin.... 

     It seems that I have found myself in yet another 'mini-crisis.' I've been having some pain in my back and torso area for a little while now, but charged it to many things including:

• stress
• needing a new mattress
• overworking myself
• not having an arch in either foot, and maybe needing to wear better shoes
  

      With school starting on Aug. 28th, and every penny going to this wedding and life in general - getting sick just wasn't an option. This past Thursday the pain got worse, and I requested to go home a little early from work so that I can see my doctor in the morning (remember I work night shift). 

     One thing about working in a hospital is you can't really fake being sick for too long. When one of the nurses in charge tried to touch me to see where the pain was, I broke down in tears. Naturally this led to me being sent downstairs to the ER. In the ER I was given morphine, and there was talks of admitting me for pain management. 

     After running a CAT scan, and getting a very limited diagnoses in the ER, I was sent home with prescriptions for pain meds and referred to my primary doctor ASAP. Being high off morphine, and completely out of it, I decided to go straight home and return to the doctor Friday morning. 

      I went to the doctor Friday, and I received referrals for 3 specialist AND I'm out of work for at least a week pending diagnosis.

     The timing of all of this is AWFUL, but I understand the importance of taking care of yourself. This is one of the main reasons why I chose to get out of the freelance/journalism/media/entertainment industry and/or business. With my current job, even being brand spanking new, I have so many options that I didn't have before with regards to job security and health related issues. 

     While it's going to get even tighter financially than it already is, I'm grateful. Things could be a lot worse. I usually hate when people say that, but I've lived it so I know.

      This weekend I was in bed.

      I thought to myself, 'well now would be the best time to finalize the master guest list.' I needed to order my invitations over a week ago, and since I decided on the invitations... Why not get the list together??!!?

      After finding addresses that were written on random scraps of papers, sent via text messages, emails, and Facebook messages I was able to get 90% of everything onto an EXCEL spreadsheet. According to the spreadsheet we have roughly 100 invitations to be mailed out, and approximately 200 guests to accompany. The problem is we are guaranteed at the venue for 100 guests.

     Yeah, so I think we may have a little bit of a problem. I'm not stressing it too much, mainly because we've been planning this wedding for a long time. There are a lot of people who are invited, but to be honest we don't even talk to them anymore. 

     I've had a few days to think about it, and I'm still not really stressed. While there are a lot of people who are invited, but I am 99% sure that EVERYONE will not be coming. 

    In closing, time will tell how this all plays about. But I'm still not stressing it. 

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride

Email:   theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twttier: @theantibride2013

    

I Want To Give A Shout-Out To All Of My Ex's

     I MAY very well be TOO much of a skeptic, or reaching a little far on this one

BUT....

     It doesn't fully sit well with me when I see women in healthy and happy relationships - - whether it be fully committed, engaged, or married - - give a "shout-out" OR make any acknowledgment of their past relationships via social media. To me, it just isn't a good look.

     I recently decided to take a break from my personal social media activities. I do have to go on Facebook from time to time because I'm finalizing the Master Guest List for the wedding.

     (Don't worry the post on that MESS will be up shortly) 

     So, I go on Facebook this past weekend to message friends and family the whole "Hey, did you move yet?" "What's your new address?" routine. FUN RIGHT? - NOT!!!!

Later on in the day I log back in, because I refuse to link any of my personal social media accounts to my phone -TOO DISTRACTING-, and I noticed a post on my timeline from a newlywed that expressed gratitude and thanks to her ex's. BECAUSE if it wasn't for them, them being the ex's, she wouldn't have been able to find the one that she was meant to be with.

     Now it was said in a MUCH MUCH classier way than how I put it. This person's post involved thanks to the LORD. It received a lot of "Like's" because it came off very testimonial. 

    BUT....

     Despite how it was put it still didn't sit well with me. 

    Much like how the cronut doesn't sit well with me either....

    Shoot, it has taken me about a decade to accept that the McGriddle is here to stay. 

     Change has never really been my thing.

But I digress.

     I think that all women have that Beyonce - Best Thing I Never Had moment. 

     That moment when you say to yourself, "Thank God I dodged that bullet." And you literally mean that. You literally Thank God that you didn't stick with that ex-boyfriend.

     And I think that's what you should say. I think you should express how happy you are, express how thankful you are to God for the current man in your life, express how "wow this could have gone in a whole 'nother direction!" Express all of that! I think that once you literally put the word "Ex" or "Ex's" in the mix then it just goes left. 

    I don't know if I have really proven my point so hear me out for a second. I think I can give a little more clarity by using myself as an example.

     None of my past relationship have ended with me not speaking to the other party for eternity. I am cordial with ALL of my ex-boyfriends. I am connected to ALL of my ex-boyfriends via one social media account or another. NOW I do not communicate with all of them on a regular basis. I can get in contact with all of them, and they can get in contact with me if either of us choose. (That rarely happens.) 

     I mentioned my connection to my ex's because this is the direction that the world is going in. It's becoming more and more impossible to cut off all communication with people ESPECIALLY if you have mutual contacts.

     I remember when I "got engaged" - or rather The Fiance' and I picked our first wedding date - and I started to tell my friends the first things out of "some" of their mouths was 

• "what did (inset ex-boyfriend's name here) say"
• "are you still cool with (insert ex-boyfriend's name here)"
• "are you going to invite (insert ex-boyfriend's name here) to your wedding"
• "does your Fiance' know about (insert ex-boyfriend's name here)"

     

     I couldn't be mad at my friends because when I find out some I know is getting married those are some of the questions I ask myself.

     I'm not a relationship expert, life coach, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I'm just regular girl with a blog, and a lot of opinions! With that being said, and BEING A GIRL approaching her 30's I've lived my life. I do know what it's like to have a relationship end not so well. To see an ex move on with someone else in front of your face. And even to experience a little public humiliation with an ex. 

      And again BEING A GIRL APPROACHING HER 30'S I know a thing or two about having all of this play out on social media. Having to put on your big girl panties and not block the "new girl" on Facebook or Twitter. Having to swallow your pride and connect with an Ex on LinkedIn because he's well connected and you need a job. And trying desperately to not stalk their new life on Instagram.

DAMMIT IT'S HARD!

  BUT....

     When you move on with your life AND you are now in a happy and healthy relationship AND you no longer feel that sting when that person pops up on your Timeline AND you truly stop caring. I find it to be very unfair for your PRESENT RELATIONSHIP for you to even remotely make reference to anything that could be related to a past relationship. 

    I don't know it just seems a bit petty. 

    In closing, one thing about communication is that it's not always about what you mean, but more about how its perceived. On the flip side you can't control how people perceive what you mean. I guess that's why so many people have no filter!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride

Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twitter: @theantibride2013

Wait Loss or Weight Loss

     It has been a busy summer. 

     How busy do you ask? - So busy that I didn't even have time to realize that I was busy! Yup!!!! THAT BUSY!!!

     We are officially in mid-August, and school starts back up for me on the 28th. I got a new job; which I started the first week of June. No, it wasn't one of the positions that I was offered or interviewed for during in the "Grow Up And Get A Job" post. I actually work the overnight shift as a clerk/secretary/admin (yep, I can be referred to by any of these titles, depending on who you ask) in the ICU at one of the hospitals here in NYC. It's a very intense introduction to the medical industry.

      But, I digress. That's a whole 'nother post. The point for me mentioning my new job is to basically emphasize how busy I've been. Beginning a new job is draining. But when said job means processing patient EXPIRATION forms (Expiration = Death).... yeah..... that's kinda a new feeling that I haven't quite gotten used to yet!

      On top of starting a new job, in a completely foreign industry... I was also taking summer intensive courses. I took 3 courses over a 2 term period. So I would literally go to class after watching someone die.... 

       Talk about draining. After school, then work, I would get home and I would be feeling a lot like this:

      As far as my grades go, I was hoping to get a 3-peat from the grades I received during the spring semester. 2-A's and 1-B. Or even better straight A's!!!! Instead, I earned myself 1-B+, 1-B-, and 1-C. I don't like C's, but hey I'll take it. Seeing as though this isn't grad school yet, 1 C will do. I just cannot make another. 

     So now I absolutely know my limitations. I know where the line is, and I know what will happen if I cross it. I know when to push myself, and I know when to fall back. 

     Now that things are starting to settle down with work, and I have a much better understanding of how this whole work/school juggling thing goes

     I really want to start focusing my attention on shedding those last few pounds before the wedding. 

     My intentions are to go for my dress fitting the 2nd week in September. So I have a little under 5 weeks to "make it work" in my Tim Gunn voice. I think in order to "MAKE IT WORK" I'm going to have to commit to a drastic lifestyle change. 

     Throughout the summer I have been dabbling here and there on different diet and exercise regimens. All in all I've lost 12 pounds, and several inches. I know that it is definitely possible to lose more weight, but I have concerns.

My concerns are the following:

• Should I incorporate "The Fiance"
• Should I keep this a complete secret from everyone - other than those who read this blog CLEARLY
• Will this change me

     Time will tell. 

BUT

     I am really motivated, and I think that's a really really good start!

     In closing, being busy isn't a bad thing if it's planned right. Scheduling and time management is key, and figuring out productive things to do during my downtime is going to be the most important thing. When I'm trying to rest my brain I usually "veg out" in front of the TV. That lazy bug, is my biggest weakness!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride
Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twitter: @antibride2013

161 Days Left To Go...

     I've been longing to do wedding update post for a really really long time. What's stopped me from doing one is the thought of having a panic attack after coming to terms with what all that is left to do before the wedding. 

     According to my "theknot.com" wedding website I have exactly 161 days left to go. So what is there left to do before those 161 days????? Well, we'll get to that but first let me highlight what has been done!

What I've we've accomplished so far:

The Date - - 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

I know that it seems corny, but there are couples who play around with their date. Having been one of those couples... I should know. Remember our date was set for November 2, 2013. And we postponed it to November 8, 2014. So having a date is somewhat of a milestone!

The Venue - -
(Undisclosed) Manor on a Golf Course in Queens, NY

We have a venue, and it's not our apartment!!! Not that there's anything wrong with getting married in your apartment. But, being honest, I'm not the BEST hostess.

My Dress 

I have my dress, and it's in my closet ready to go! That's one less stress I tell ya! 
P.S. That's not it! 

Save the Dates

For the most part, all of the Save the Dates have gone out. YAY!

Theme and Colors

Our theme is Prince Diamonds and Pearls, and our colors are white/ off white, diamonds, pearls, and crystals!

What is left to do in 161 days:

DJ

It wouldn't be right, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a long - - dramatic - - overly analyzed story as to why I do or do not want to do something... So here goes...

My big brother is a DJ. He does it professionally, and he has DJ-ed every major event in my life. I'm talking all of my middle school dances! 

I knew that my brother was going to DJ my wedding before I even met my Fiance'. My brother DJ-ing my wedding was always a constant. 

When we signed the contract for the venue we were told that all vendors: photographer, dj, etc, must have a 2 million dollar liability insurance policy. Naturally I was taken aback. I knew that getting an insurance policy wasn't something that was impossible. For some reason, the mention of the policy allowed for some questions and doubts about my brother DJing seep into my mind.

The funny thing is the insurance is to protect the venue not "The Fiance" and me. But hearing the word insurance made me think about all of the reasons why you have protect yourself.

My brother is based out of Atlanta, and we're getting married in NYC. While my brother is a professional, he's also HUMAN. 

It wasn't a question of whether or not my brother could DJ, or if I wanted him to DJ. It was a matter of would it be fair. My brother has a family, a LARGE ONE at that, and they're going to be traveling by car/van/SUV/ think "National Lampoon" style. My brother would have to travel with his equipment including speakers and other dj stuff. Oh yeah.... remember our wedding is in November. So weather may be a factor!!

I'm sure by now you get it. There's a chance that something or someone can/will get forgotten in the process (i.e. Home Alone).

To bring home the point to a super long psychoanalytical story....

My wedding is November 8, 2014, and on that day something is going to go wrong, I am sure of it. But I would rather it be someone else that flubs than it be my brother. Yes, that is a hefty price that I am going to have to pay, but I feel like it is worth it. I would much rather pay for someone else to do the job, and have my brother just worry about being "The Brother of the Bride" and enjoy himself with his family. 

With that being said, I'm not ready to find a new DJ yet. I'm starting to open up more to the idea of another DJ taking on the responsibility. It's tough because I'm always going to make that comparison. It's just one of those things that is going to take time for me to get to that place. 

Oh the joys of discovering these silly deep rooted issues during the wedding planning process.

My Bouquet

Maybe you remember, or not, from previous post but I want a brooch bouquet. Originally I was going to make my own brooch bouquet..... 

Yeah....... Good Luck to me with that........

I'm not a DIY person. I want to be more crafty, but I'm too uptight! I want things to be sooo perfect, and I get angry with myself when I can't do the simplest tasks. 

So I'm not going to go to war with myself over my inability to create a brooch bouquet. I'd rather buy the damn thing and keep it moving. That's what I plan on doing. I just haven't done it yet. I hope to order it before the end of the summer!

Photographer

I did an entire post on this subject back in October. I still stand by everything that I said regarding hiring a photographer. You can read up on that post here: Photographer Stance.

Here's an update on where we are with the photographer. We want to hire a photographer, just not an extensive and expensive package. Our plan is to create a wedding photobook on Shutterfly. 

I somewhat started the research process for a photographer. More than likely I will ask the venue for some recommendations, and pick one of their in house vendors. It's not a HUGE deal to me. 

Invitations

I'm so indecisive when it comes to invitations. I'm still not 100% sold on the style of invitations that I want. I think I may just remix it and do my own style. I really like pocket invitations, but they tend to be expensive. Hand made invitations are beautiful, and also tend to be expensive. 

Our Save the Date Magnets were such a big hit that I don't think we really need to go over the top with invitations. We can keep it classy, elegant, and simple.

Keeping it all the way 100.....the magnets are going to stay on people's fridge FOREVER. But the invitation is going to end up in the trash at some point. For this reason I'm starting to lean more towards trying to find something elegant, but inexpensive. 

It's just so hard because my attention span for this type of stuff is like 30 minutes at most. So after 30 minutes I lose interest and start searching for houses on Trulia or something. I dunno, like "I CAN'T" "I CAN'T!"

Table Arrangements

For flowers I know that I want white and off white roses and hydrangeas. 

(Side Bar: I need to step up my flower game because I have repeatedly called hydrangeas, geraniums. Totally different flowers. It's like confusing a fully bloomed rose for a carnation.)

My centerpiece or flower power issue is that I don't want to deal with the headache and hassle of having fresh flowers imported in November from Peru or someplace like that. 

As far as table arrangements/centerpieces, I want all of my tables to have a uniformed look but they do not have to be identical. I want the arrangement to be: flowers in vases, mirrors, some sort of bling, and candles. How that is arranged on the table is completely optional. I want everything to be roughly the same size. But I'm not picky about the style. As long as it all looks uniformed.

Wedding Favors

How I feel about wedding favors is how I feel about the invitations... well sorta. I don't want to get people stuff that they're not going to use. I love the idea of wine, wine glasses, small bottles of various liquors, and shot glasses. The reason why I don't want to go that route is because I want the weekend to be party and excitement. 

Alcohol is literally the maid of honor, and best man for our wedding. As stated before most of the time I'm a pretty uptight person until I'm not. The last thing that I would want to do is give off the wrong impression. I know huge contradiction... What else is knew. But seriously, we will be drinking a lot at our classy, elegant, Prince inspired wedding. But I don't want to end our wedding with "hey go drink some more!!" 

I want people to walk away with something that they can use in their everyday life that isn't party and alcohol related.

In closing, the completed versions of what's left to do really isn't as bad as I thought it would be. 98% of the stuff on my list I have an idea of what I want it just boils down to finding the "right" vendor, or option for us. It's a process, and a very meticulous one for me because I only want to do this once. 

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride

Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twitter: @antibride2013

Grow Up Anti-Bride and Get a JOB (Long Post)

     Two more final exams left, and then my semester is DONE!!! I'm pretty darn excited. Now that my semester is coming to an end, and the summer is just over the horizon I started looking into the best part time/temporary/summer employment opportunities. 

     I started looking into this back in April. My new strategy on employment is to be... strategic! 

     By that I mean, I'm looking to gain employment in something that is going to be useful in my career transition. 

     Going into a field of communicative disorders I want to work particularly with individuals with speech and language delays due to head injuries. Of course the likelihood of busting out the gate and finding a job in a traumatic brain injury rehabilitation center or something like that is...... Yep! Very Unlikely!

     So I started looking into entry level positions where I can get basic - general experience working with:

a.) Children 

OR

b.) Adults with disabilities

OR

c.) Children with disabilities

     There is a reason why I put so much heavy emphasis on trying to find a job working with children. As stated before, my goal is to work more in the clinical and research side of speech pathology. However, busting out the gate fresh out of graduate school I may not get hired working in the exact area that I would like. Working with children is one of the areas in speech that hires new speech pathologists. 

     Since I don't have a vast amount of experience working with children. I thought it would be great to get that experience independently. It is a requirement through my undergraduate and future graduate studies to work with children. It's included in our coursework, but getting a head start on something never hurt anyone!!!

     On the flip side, there are opportunities for me to gain general experience working with adults with disabilities as well. While I want to work with those who have head injuries, to gain that immediate experience, research, and knowledge I'm told it's best to work with stroke patients. Strokes are a cause for disabilities and problems for some adults.

     As luck would have it... (I never use that saying lol lol) I started to get call backs for interviews. I actually was able to get multiple interviews in ALL of the areas that I am looking to find work in:

a.) Children 

OR

b.) Adults with disabilities

OR

c.) Children with disabilities


     I'm still going through the interview process(es) now. I'm super excited, and I kept everything a secret for about 2 weeks. Well kinda a secret... I told the twin sister a week ago, but she's cool. She's been helping me 'process' it all and stay grounded. 

     So you're probably saying okay AntiBride --  "Where's the problem? You seem to have it together. What's the beef?"

     Well I started opening my BIG MOUTH and asking other's for their opinions knowing good and well that I know what I'm doing!

     I had a mild dilemma which wasn't a HUGE deal. If only I just took a few deep breathes, and stopped to think about it for a second .... or 2 days...

"hey who's counting!!??!!"

     All in all I could have worked out this little hiccup amongst myself and all of the different personalities that live in my head. But NOOOO I had to start yapping. 

So here's the dilemma:

Background on the dilemma:

     I got my first job offer. But I have some time to make a decision, because the job doesn't start right away. There's a whole security process that can take up to 5 weeks or longer. This job like all of the jobs I've applied to, and am interviewing for are entry-level. So basically they're all going to be paying roughly about the same.

     This job, and 2 of the other jobs that I'm vying for is working with the disabled population. I have the opportunity to work with adults or children. 2 of the jobs are part time, and one job is full time. All 3 jobs are hands on and come with a lot of responsibility. But so is life!

     I was excited, because this is what I wanted. But I became a little nervous. My concern is that "I do not want to bite off more than what I can chew."

     I'm taking classes this summer, and will continue to take classes throughout the year. Not to mention this little party that I'm planning to attend early November! 

     Yesterday I got a call to set up an interview to be a camp counselor at one of the YMCA's near my house. I was super excited about this interview, and a little relieved. The job posting said "be prepared to go to the pool." I was sold! 

The actual dilemma:

     The other companies (companies other than the YMCA) that I have a possibility to work for, hire speech pathologists. So it would be a good idea to get in with the companies now! If I'm thinking about job security, and gaining experience it makes sense to get in with a company that could hire me or maybe even pay for my schooling.

        My dilemma is that my strategy was to gain entry-level experience working with the above stated populations. It was never to look into gaining a career. The other jobs (meaning the jobs other than the YMCA) could put me on a "career" track in an area within the field that I don't have a desire to work in.

       Also school isn't a cake walk. It's very challenging and requires a lot of time outside of class to study and practice. Committing to a full time job, or a part time job with A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY may eventually effect my studies.

SOOOO.....

I was having a very hard time working this out with myself, and decided to call upon others for advice. Big Mistake!

     When I told them about the job offers I had and the position "titles" they were very proud of me! But when I told them that I was thinking about really pursing the YMCA they were like 

     Why??? Why??? Do I always seek other's validation when it comes to my career. I know that 'I got dis!' But I always go to others and they always respond like I've lost my mind. And I lose all credibility QUICK!

     What really got to me, and really made me feel 'A Way' was the hinting that I may be suffering from the dreadful Peter Pan Syndrome.

     One of my adviser's questioned when am I going to be ready to step out and take a "real job." She felt that I have the opportunity right in front of my face to take a "real job" and I would rather play Marco Polo with the YMCA kids.

     If we want to keep it ALL THE WAY REAL none of these jobs are going to be paying me the King's Ransom anyways. 

     From the beginning it's been about getting experience. If I can get experience, get a tan, lose some weight (chasing after children) in a temporary setting why wouldn't that be a viable option? I think the fact that people gave me the "are you serious" tone regarding the YMCA is what pissed me off. If all of these jobs are paying roughly the same why wouldn't they all have the same level of equivalence.

     The YMCA job would give me a general sense of being around children. Maybe I can request to work with a child who has a disability. But the YMCA is just general. The other positions would actually require certification and training so that I can work with a specific disabled population. 

     Naturally the option to have a company pay for certification is a great option. It's just important to think about whether or not the non YMCA positions would be assets or liabilities. How much time and attention will this take away from school? Attending certification courses, then going to work, then going to school??? 

     These are the questions that I wanted to work through with family and friends.

     My questions were met with more questions. Of course this isn't the first time my friends/family/both have questioned my decisions. This isn't the first time that they have wondered if I "had it all together." I think what hurts is that at this point I feel like I've come SOOOO far. I feel like I'm making SOOO much progress.

     It hurts that the people closest to me. The people who have heard me whine, cry, complain etc etc about doing more and being better aren't giving me the credit I feel that I deserve. I feel like they're not giving me the support that I would like to have. It's always this 'constructive criticism' that they wouldn't want to hear if they were in my shoes. 

     I'm hurt because it took a lot for me to take a step back and say - - "I'm flattered to have the opportunity to be offered these positions." "I know that they would look awesome on my resume, HOWEVER I don't know if I'm ready for this just yet." As a cashed strapped Bride (FYI ALL BRIDES ARE CASH STRAPPED EVEN Kim Kardashian because there's always more and More and MORE!!) 

for me to say I think I'll take a job at the YMCA because it will allow me to focus more on school. To say that takes a lot.

     

     Yes I know this is borderline:

     Aww hell I think it is full blown Pity Party!!! But hey, I'll wear that on my back proudly. Because I'm a little sick of it. By "it" I mean the "she doesn't have it together let's help her" idea that the people in my life seem to have of me. 

     It's this damned if you do damned if you don't situation that I've allowed myself to get in with people around me. If I'm reserved then they feel like I'm unaware. If I'm vocal they're looking to poke all kinds of holes in my plans. It's never "we trust her." This is all leading to me not giving a (____________) in 5.4.3.2......

     So what have I learned from all of this??? Well to keep MUM!

     In closing, while this wasn't a huge situation. It was more of a misunderstanding, if even that. I'm realizing that what I put out, is what I'm going to get back. I need to work things out more with myself, and trust in myself with these decisions. Contrary to popular belief I have a 5 year plan. It's just important to be strategic!

Sincerely,

The Anti-Bride

Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com

Twitter: @theantibride2013