Today was a disappointing day. I had a few "meetings" today, and the outcome was not what I expected.
Just kidding there is a little more to the story than that. If you have been reading this blog since the original post than you know that I am currently unemployed. I was fired from my job this past February. The end of February if that helps. I have been unemployed for 2 months. I have had SEVERAL interviews for positions that I ACTUALLY would want to fill. These interviews were for companies and organizations that I would be PROUD to work for. For one reason or another things "fell through." Today was not the exception. But there is a glimmer of hope. I think!!???!
Let's start somewhere near the beginning, or somewhere that will make sense.
My career goal was to become a television producer. The BIG BIG dream was to be a sports producer for ESPN's SportsCenter. I was on the right path, and even interviewed with an ESPN Executive a few weeks before graduating from college. My resume was to be forwarded to HR (human resource department), and I was told by the Executive that I had a slot in the production assistant program. I was on Cloud 9.
When I graduated I emailed the Executive (several times), but did not receive an immediate response. I was holding out for this position, and I had turned down a few other positions to accept this offer. This was May 2008 and at that time the World was in the middle of a Financial Crisis unbeknown to..... Unbeknown to well EVERYONE. To make a REALLY LONG DEPRESSING story short (I'm italicizing to indicate a summary of what took place over several months): the Executive never emailed me back. She was in contact with my mentor, the person who set up the initial interview. Although, the Executive was not in the position to make hiring decisions, most companies (Pre-Financial Crisis) accepted new hire recommendations from internal employees. What made this situation different was ESPN and every other network was experiencing a massive hiring freeze.
They call it a hiring freeze for a reason, because it's cold, dark, and scary...
Losing out on that opportunity affected me in so many ways. More ways than I care to share, but I struggled for years. This hiring freeze lasted for months, and I think you can pretty much figure out what happened next. I attended a small college in the Midwest, and relocated back to the Southeast. Relocating was tough because few people had heard of my University. Moving back in with my parents was hard but having to compete with so many other graduates for very limited positions was harder. My first job out of college was working as an Assistant Manager at a Claire's Inc. in a mall in Columbia, SC. Grateful to have a job, I still felt like crap. I experienced the highest of highs, and I needed to feel like that again.
I did not want to give up my dream, so I gave up my job instead. I moved up and down the Atlantic Coast from South to North for about 3 1/2 years.
I stayed with family and friends. Always wearing out my welcome and leaving people to doubt my ideas, and goals. I lost credibility fast. I graduated from college Cum Laude. I had countless internships, recommendations, and accolades. All of that meant nothing, because I was unemployed.
Fast forward a bit. I found myself living/over staying my welcome at my brother's house in southern New Jersey. I made my first attempt at graduate school at Drexel University, in Philadelphia. That wasn't working out so great, but I did score an internship through Madison Square Garden at Radio City Music Hall. This was a life changing opportunity. But not in the way you may think.
I commuted from southern New Jersey to Manhattan everyday. I often slept on the bus to and from work. I took out additional student loans to pay for my life. But I was still broke. Nights when I missed the bus back to New Jersey, or couldn't afford to go back to New Jersey, I crashed with friends and family members in "The City." That year I was somewhat homeless by choice. I did not want to live in the South with my parents. I wanted to live and work in NYC. New York has always been my home. I felt like living in New York I would have a better chance and eventually be able to get back into television production -OR- something media -OR- journalism -OR- entertainment related.
One Saturday I was supposed to meet my cousin in Manhattan after she got of work. She completely flaked out on me. I wasn't too surprised.
I did meet a gentleman that day, and we talked for hours. We talked about the most random things. I hoped he would take my number, and my prayers were answered when he did. He called a few minutes later to see if I ever met up with my cousin. We all know the answer to that.....NO! (I'm still looking for her 3 years later.) This guy called and texted every single day after our first meeting.
I knew this was the man that I was going to marry after I got a phone call from him one rainy evening. There was a weird 1(800) type number that appeared on my phone screen when he called. He told me he dropped his phone in water, and he was calling me from a pay phone in the subway station. That story was confirmed by the loud train entering the station, and the abrupt call drop when the money ran out. He was calling to tell me Good Night. I think I officially fell in love.
Even thinking back I say to myself....A PAYPHONE!!! Really....A PAYPHONE!!! This guy risked:
Dangerous Bacteria
He risked all of this for me. I was touched. That was over three years ago.
Along the way I have had many many many great opportunities that didn't completely work the way that I thought like:
There was the MSG/Radio City Music Hall Internship.
I hoped that internship would evolve into a job. UMMMM - NOPE didn't happen. I was able to switch graduate programs from Drexel University in Philadelphia to NYU.
I thought attending NYU would make things all better. NYU is a HUGE institution. I knew there would be so many resources available to me. NYU is also an EXPENSIVE and DEMANDING university. My acceptance to NYU did not make the fact that I was somewhat "homeless" and "broke" go away. Winging it while interning at Radio City and taking courses online was okay the semester prior. But when I got into NYU the pressure got the best of me. I had to come out midway through the semester.
I felt like a complete failure. I had this amazing opportunity right in front of my face, and I let it slip past. This time I did it to myself. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just keep pushing. Why did I breakdown? I had to make it better. Instead of resting myself so I could be ready for the next semester. I pushed myself harder so that I could come back strong.
I knew that I needed a job. I also needed a permanent place to live. I was going to take the "time out" to secure those things. Easy right? I was able to work out the permanent living situation. Now it was time to find a job.
I stood in line for hours at an employment event. I interviewed with recruiter. After several months of waiting and wondering I scored an entry level sales position with a major New York City sports franchise. I was later told that I was one of 2 people out of 1000 that was hired. I felt so grateful.
I was back on track... Right??!! WRONG!!! There was this little thing going on at the time called a
Obviously I wasn't working for the MLB, because I would have been straight!! Entry level sales with any sporting franchise is an amazing opportunity to get your foot in the door. The flip side of it is that it's basically the equivalent to the movie Boiler Room. (Of course without the insider trading, gambling, and other obscureness.)
In sales, especially entry level sales, you must earn your keep. It's a tough job and you hear more No's than you hear Yes. During a lockout season when fans are pissed you may never hear Yes. As a sales person your job is to push through and show the "higher ups" in the company that against all odds you can still persevere and make the company money.
While I scored a position with a professional team I was not making any money. Like most sales positions I worked off commission. When you're not selling you're not making commission, it's that simple. I loved the fact that I was an executive with a professional franchise. I drove my car into work every day. I wore my "professional" getup, and packed my lunch. But I was living a lie. I was so broke. My boyfriend was helping pay for transportation, and I had to get a second job at Bloomingdale's just to make ends meet.
The next semester was coming soon and I had to make a decision about school. I wanted to go back to school, and I wanted to keep my job. The truth was that I couldn't handle either. But I wanted to continue to live the lie. It felt good to have my mom and dad brag for a change. Their daughter was working for (___SAID___) sports organization and a Grad Student at NYU.
I slowly started to unravel again. Even though I busted my *ss at work, it wasn't enough. In fact I seemed to make more mistakes and missteps. I was a risk taker like most salespeople are. My risks, however, always came back to bite me in the butt. Even when I was extra careful. People always assumed they were doing me a favor but instead they were helping me dig my own grave. The funny thing about my risk-taking-ness, my boss seemed to like that about me. But it was too much for me. Not to mention the compensation did not make the risks worthwhile.
When the lockout was lifted I thought my prayers would be answered. Instead it meant MORE WORK. I was going to have to dedicate more time and energy to the organization. This entry level position was temporary, and permanent status was based on performance (i.e. how much money we made during the season). Deep down inside I knew it was not worth it. Yes I wanted to work for a sports franchise, and be an executive, and wear professional getups, and pack my own lunch. BUT I also like having a roof over my head, and buying the food to put in my lunch box. Bills were piling up. And it dawned on me that I had two jobs and was barely making it. Okay let's not try to be cute. I WASN'T MAKING IT.
After an unsuccessful talk with my boss I resigned. It was a tough moment, and I was the first person in my sales team to quit. But I was too broke to stay working there.
The following month I started back at NYU and completed the semester. It felt good to complete a semester, but how I completed was another story. I passed two courses with flying colors, and failed two courses miserably. My heart wasn't completely in it. The situation with the sports organization haunted me the entire semester. I felt beat down, from all of my professional disappointments.
I know that there are people reading this that probably understand and sympathize with what I experienced. And there are people who are feeling like I do a lot of this:
Yes it does sound like I'm throwing a pity party, and I make lots of excuses. The truth is while I was experiencing those things it sucked. I would never lie about that. But I think the reason why I have always been so hard on myself is because I cannot believe my luck. I do not mean that in a condescending unappreciative way either.
When I say my luck, I mean not many young professionals in the span of less than 5 years cross paths with: ESPN, Madison Square Garden & Radio City Music Hall, Drexel University, New York University, the Nameless Sports Franchise, and a few other ventures that I have yet [and probably won't] to mention. I have had more than my share of disappointments but look who's disappointing me. It was so hard for me to quit working for that sports franchise after I stood in line with all of those people and I made it. I made it and quit while 999 other people didn't even have the opportunity to try. All of the people all over the world that would love to attend a university like NYU. I was blessed enough to get in and I can't even keep it together enough to pass my courses.
Pity Party - NOOO!!!
Absolutely!!
I carry a lot of guilt. I'm learning to let it go. But for years I carried guilt. Guilt because I did it and other people near and dear to me didn't or couldn't. I felt like I was taking advantage of so many opportunities. Whenever an opportunity presented itself I felt obligated to take it, and to be the best at it. I hate to pull the "feminism" card, but I kind of have to in order to make my point.... My point which is...... Sometimes when you are one of the first few to do something, you feel like you have to be the pioneer. As a society we charge people with that.
Can I let you in on a little secret??
I am no pioneer. I do not want to be a game changer. I obviously can't handle it.
Let's fast forward to today and what made today of all days the day to revisit Ghosts of Careers past....
After failing my courses I decided to check out for a second. I wanted to focus on the constants in my life. My relationship is one constant in my life. I felt that I should get a job doing something that I already know how to do, and focus on my relationship.
That's what I did for several months. I got a job completely separate from my industry. My relationship got stronger and is great. But I found myself getting fired from my job this time around. The job that I chose for myself wasn't the right fit. As much as I think that I'm just a regular girl; I'm forced to admit that you can't walk out of the halls of a nationally competitive university, and out of the board room of a NYC sports franchise and into a "regular" 9-5 without making people feel just a touch insecure.
Nonetheless, once again I did not succeed at something professional. So I thought long and hard. I thought maybe I should consider going back to my media/sports/entertainment/journalism roots. It couldn't hurt.
I was able to dig up a contact, and was able to score a few "meetings" today. Apprehensive, of course, I was excited about the meetings. This was with a major media company, and I wanted to make a big impression. After revising my resume a dozen or so times, buying a new outfit, and giving myself "the pep talk" I left this morning feeling confident.
I arrived at the company 15 minutes early. I spent nearly an hour in the lobby of the building, because of some crazy mix up. I got upstairs only to hear a bunch of excuses and halfhearted apologies as to what could have possibly caused the confusion. What I noticed was that no one took any form of credit for the mix up. Not even the "I'm going to just say this anyways even though I don't believe it" credit. The "big boss" naturally was in a meeting and couldn't meet with me right away so he passed me off to someone else. This other person had no idea I was even coming. Nevertheless she accommodated me well.
When I finally met with the "big boss" he did not seem the least bit interested in me. I found myself doing what we all do in interviews... I began selling myself. I gave my best sales pitch, but the boss was a stern gentlemen. The boss seemed unmoved. His feedback was clear, and I didn't get the answer that I was looking for. I was so disappointed.
This disappointment was different from the disappointment that I felt the previous years. Maybe because I am a little older, a little wiser, and a little prouder. I was disappointed that he wasted my time. I did not feel guilty for every Unemployed American during this interview. I actually felt sorry for this guy. I felt sorry that he could not recognize that I would be a tremendous asset to his team. He looked at my resume and looked at me like I was just some eager beaver hungry for my next break. This time around FINALLY I wasn't desperate. I actually looked into and researched a position that I thought would be a great fit, and that's why I was there. He gave me his advice on what I should do, which I felt like saying to him "gee if I had a nickel for every time I heard that." But of course I did not say it.
I'm still a little shell shocked and not able to put my feelings into words. But when I left that building I went to my favorite place in the entire world. Central Park!
I walked through Central Park from West to East. My allergies kicking my butt, because spring has finally arrived. I realized that I was going to be okay. The woman who I was tossed to because the "big boss" was too busy to meet with me was one of the "big bosses" in the human resources department for that company. While the stern male boss was not feeling me the HR Director informed me that their company has several "big bosses." The HR Director wanted me to screen with a few bosses so see where I would fit. Despite my meeting with the HR Director taking place before my meeting with the uptight boss, I was still caught off guard by my mistreatment. It does feel good to know that there is a possibility that I may have a position with the company I spent all morning with.
Walking through the park and clearing my mind put other things into perspective for me. I love my life. I love my future husband. I want to someday have children. I want to be able to have a decent life filled with experiences and travel. I want to be able to work through my problems. I want to be able to be happy with the person that I am.
Being perfectly honest, my twenties were crap! I'm in the fourth quarter of my twenties, and I cannot wait for it to be over. Walking through the park I realized that I'm going to be somebody's wife soon. We are going to have our own children to feed to the pigeons in Central Park. [Yes I said feed my children to the pigeons. You have to see the tourist give their kids bread to feed the pigeons in Central Park. They have NO idea that the pigeons in Central Park are ruthless and will basically attack small children in efforts to get the bread. It basically looks like the people are feeding their children to the pigeons instead of the children feeding the pigeons.]
The whole coming into my own, trying to please the world, and feeling guilty hormonal stuff is getting pretty old. Whatever position that I am offered if it does not fit in line with my future I think I may have to pass. Becoming someone's wife I have to be more strategic with my career struggles.
Sincerely,
The Anti-Bride 2013
