The ongoing topic of conversation in my home for the last few weeks has been about this upcoming bridal shower, and my lingerie anxiety. The conversation took a turn when my Fiancé blurted out, unprovoked I may add, that I wear Granny Panties.
Let me set it up so you can have a visual of how this all actually went down. So “The Fiancé” is lying on the bed watching television. I’m organizing our dresser near the t.v. I had on my usual “Saturday Morning Uniform” a t-shirt and my girl boxers. Out of nowhere “The Fiancé” blurts out “man, you wear Granny Panties.” My response, “I know.” And that was it I was back to organizing.
I have a tendency to read into things a lot.
When this first happened I didn’t think much of it. I felt like “The Fiance” was making a joke, because let’s face it… my undergarments are not sexy. In fact I don’t think I own a full set of underwear. I just kinda mix and match. It’s like oh this lacey black bra goes with this lacey black panty, and there you have it…. there’s a set!
A few days have gone by, and I started to read into what “The Fiancé” may or may not have been subliminally saying.
I’m perfectly aware that he could have been just making jokes. “The Fiance” is very outspoken and I really don’t think he would have a problem saying “babe can you please get some nicer underwear!!”
Today I’m in the midst of washing clothes, and I can’t help but think about how unsexy my clothes are. It’s not something that really bothers me. That alone makes me feel kind of bad for “The Fiancé,” simply because my unsexy underwear, AGAIN, is not something that really bothers me. The reality is I just don’t feel sexy right now.
There was a point in time where I felt really sexy. Let’s see from the ages of 19-23 I felt really sexy, and it showed in EVERYTHING. I mean sexy like this:
Even though I felt sexy and it showed I still was a prude and a tease. Guys would always flirt with me, but it was never in a disrespectful way. I guess you can call it a manageable sexy. I never tried to be sexy for anyone else I just felt sexy for me. Clothes or hairstyles never made me feel sexy. I was in a place in my life and in my mind that made me feel sexy. At that point in my life I was young, and things were going pretty well. After graduating from college, adulthood really started to settle in, and that “sexy” stuff went out the door. It became more about survival and making moves.
I am a person who is very intuitive. I feel like I know my inner self very very very well. I usually do not do things unless I am 100% comfortable, and I feel that I am mature enough to handle it. For example I did not REALLY start drinking until I was about 24 years old. I didn’t feel like I was responsible enough to handle drinking, peer pressure, and whatever else. I never went away for Spring Break, or dated “the bad guy.” Coming of age phases that most people go through I chose to avoid because I knew I could not handle it.
After college I was in a very vulnerable place. Knowing myself SEXY+VULNERABLE= BAD NEWS!! It’s so easy to be taken advantage of when you are vulnerable. Adding sexiness to vulnerability can be dangerous. I’m going to leave it at that. Yes, I was a sexy 19-23 year old but I was in a very safe place. I had a lot of protection, and a solid support system.
Presently there is so much transition going on in my life, and I still feel as though I am in a vulnerable place to some degree. You’re probably thinking, “Okay Anti-Bride what does this have to do with Granny Panties???” I wrote all of that to write this….. For a long time I thought I was buying and wearing 'un-sexy' underwear for convenience and comfort. It wasn’t until my “Hubby-to-Be” mentioned granny panties that I started to analyze my underwear situation. I realized that I was wearing 'un-sexy' underwear because I felt 'un-sexy.'
For a while I made excuses for why I bought the more “comfortable” underwear. I would say “I don’t have a boyfriend," or “the nice underwear is too expensive.” But in reality back in my early 20s when I was running all around the East Coast and Mid-West channeling Jessica Rabbit and Janet Jackson (Janet Jackson during the Velvet Rope Era.), I didn’t have any money nor did I have boyfriend. I just felt very sexy, and I purchased the sexy underwear for myself.
Everything leading up to this wedding and our marriage for me is a process. Finding the right job that coincides with my career aspirations is a PROCESS. Losing weight is a PROCESS. And now finding my SEXY is a PROCESS. I truly believe that it is all going to come together. I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I will mention it again, I needed to go through this. This is a humbling experience, and I needed to have this experience to make me a better person and a stronger person.
I just am so THANKFUL for “The Fiancé” because this man has the patience of Job. But I am reassured that this is true love. Not to make myself sound terrible but I’m unemployed, a little heavy, AND I wear Granny Panties lol lol lol
Closing words for the record I do not wear Granny Panties. I mostly wear the cotton fitted underwear. Like boy shorts, female boxers, and bikini style underwear, but I do not I repeat I do not wear Granny Panties. I had to clear that up. I don’t want to completely ruin my street credibility!
Sincerely,
The Anti-Bride 2013
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