How about I begin where I left off. I will give quick updates since I haven't posted in A WHILE! So here goes:
My Sickness
Obviously I didn't die. I'm still alive and here with us. To some everything up I had a kidney issue which was most likely due to dehydration. I saw several specialists, and I did a few follow up appointments. And the synopsis was drink PLENTY of WATER, like 4 Liters or a gallon of water per day, take my vitamins, eat healthy, and get plenty of rest.
I took antibiotics, pain medication, drank water, and attempted to get more rest than normal. I'm much better now, but it took a really long time before I started feeling like myself again. Not to mention the financial strain not working at THAT critical "order the invitations" time in wedding planning.... I was out of work for 7 days, and it really had an effect on the wallet. At least I have my health!
Work
Right now as we speak work is kicking my @ss in the worst way. It's crazy how life comes full circle. I wanted a job soooo badly, I prayed for one, cried about not having one, and now that I have one I long for the days where I can just stay home in bed. It's a trade off for certain.
I do not regret working at ALL. I'm actually very proud of myself for taking on a role doing something that is not only out of my comfort zone, but something that is a challenge everyday.
My job is tough, and I thought by now I would be more adjusted to it. I have really great-smooth-easy-breezy days, but I also have days that are really really really draining and tough. I work in an environment that is literally Life and Death. Despite what everyone tells me at work... it's just not normal to go to work and you're talking to a person at one hour and then a few hours later they've died. THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!
Any job that you have, you have to learn how to balance out every aspect of your life. Keep work at work, leave home at home, and everything is fine! That's how you protect yourself. But the rules change a bit when you work in a critical care environment in a hospital. And I'm finding that the way that people guard themselves, and protect themselves aren't always nice, or pleasant, or warm, or welcoming. I'm finding that if you're a person in a position and you deal with the EVILS of Cancer, Unexpected Car Accidents, Violence, Strokes, etc... when it's your job to try and fix it.... you have to find a way to guard yourself and your feelings to get the job done.
I said all that to say this... It's difficult dealing with people who have to deal with difficult things daily. Those people aren't always nice. They aren't always happy. They don't always wish the best for you. With me being in a position of transitioning in my career, getting married, and wanting babies.... The place where I am I'm in my life doesn't always mesh with where everyone else is at times. That's hard and it sucks!
So work is kicking my @ss in the subliminal mental kind of way. It's draining, it's not always a pleasant place to be, but its a job, it's an experience, and I'm grateful nonetheless.
School
School is kicking my @ss in the worst way as well!! I'm taking 9 credits which are 3 classes. With everything that's going on in my life it's difficult to concentrate. I can say wholeheartedly that I'm doing the absolute best that I can. I'm making decent grades, but in order to get into a speech language pathology graduate program I need to push myself, and make better grades in all of my classes.
I thought strongly about sitting out this semester, but I had to realize that life stops for no one. I'm not failing any of my classes, and I do have opportunities to make better grades. It's just a matter of being honest with myself, and doing what I can to the best of my ability. I'm certain that things will fall in place with school, but it is an added stress.
Final Moments and Not Caring Anymore
The following things have made the "yeah that's not happening anymore list."
Yeah... that's not happening anymore:
- Brooch Bouquet
- Honeymoon
- 2nd dress (Possibly)
- Weekend Getaway (Possibly)
- Pretty Pretty Shoes
I'm kind of at a place where if it hasn't gotten done by now then 'eff it' because it 'aint gettin done!' These were the things that I thought for certain we would do, but quickly got pushed on the back burner than completely off the stove. Surprisingly I'm not too upset about not having these things. I think my priorities have changed. I'm more focused on getting the day over with, and getting back to normal life.
I'm really at a place where I don't want to say that I don't care anymore, but I wish I had a Fairy Godmother that could just swoop in and take over and I just show up on November 8th with everything done and taken care of. That's what I want more than anything. I just want to focus on going to work, going to school, having my wedding day, going home, and continuing with my life.
It sounds easy enough.
What makes it so difficult, and what makes it so stressful is how much is invested in this one event. Suddenly it became bigger than The Fiance' and me. Suddenly it's business. Suddenly it's playing family and friendship politics. Suddenly it gets personal. There are so many feelings involved that it's hard not to upset others. And when you try really hard not to upset others you only upset yourself. SO NOBODY WINS!
Weddings and the pomp and circumstance of them are valued very differently to different people. It's so easy to get insulted, or insult someone. This experience is something that I'm grateful to have experienced but I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN!
I have had my moments where I was dangerously close to getting in my car, and driving to Delaware to start a new life. Why Delaware?? I dunno I always had a fascination with the first colonies and states.... I guess the no tax thing really speaks to me. But yes, I have literally contemplated running away and starting over. I guess that's what people call cold feet. I realized that it wasn't that I didn't want to get married, nor did I not love my Fiance' or the life we were planning. I just wanted this to be over.
It was at that point when I made the split decision to go to the 24hour CVS at 3am rather than get on the Belt Parkway towards the Verrazano Bridge to begin my new life in Delaware, yes at that moment I realized that I was truly The Anti-Bride. And that's okay!!! It's okay to say yes I want this for myself, but I don't like the process.
In closing, not sure if I will find the time to post anything new before the wedding. I will try my hardest! But even after I become a Mrs. I will continue to keep the blog going, because I'm sure there will be a lot of post bridal action to report for the first few months.
Sincerely,
The Anti-Bride
Email: theantibride2013@gmail.com
Twitter: @theantibride2013
